A mother I saw online said:
In order to teach her child self-discipline, when it’s time to read, she urges the child to read; when it’s time for physical activity, she encourages the child to exercise; when it’s time to do homework, she prompts the child to work on assignments…
This mother sighed at last: I’ve done my best, there’s no other way.
In fact, we hope children develop self-discipline, not through coercion or urging. The more you push, the more you urge, the less self-disciplined the child becomes.
A child’s self-discipline doesn’t come from parents’ coercion, it’s developed bit by bit by the child themselves.
1. Hold back nagging and urging, let the child take responsibility for themselves
If the child sleeps in, you can’t help but prompt them to get up and get ready quickly;
If they dawdle over meals, you repeatedly remind them they’ll be late if they don’t eat soon;
If they procrastinate over homework, you urge them to work faster, maybe even raising your voice;
…
Almost every parent’s first reaction when they see their child being sluggish or lazy, delaying tasks, is to “urge.”
However, our persistent nagging and urging don’t bring about any change in the child; instead, the more we rush, the more we push, the lower the child’s efficiency and the more dawdling they become.
A child’s unsatisfactory performance often leaves us feeling frustrated on the parenting journey.
You may wonder too: Is there no better way to deal with a child’s dawdling?
The renowned educator Rousseau once proposed the “natural consequences method” of education, that is: if a child makes a mistake and it leads to undesirable outcomes, let them experience and bear the consequences of their actions, thereby learning a lesson.
To address a child’s bad habit of dawdling and procrastination, a more effective approach than urging is to have the child face the consequences and take responsibility for the results themselves:
If the child sleeps in, don’t keep urging them, let them face the consequences of being late.
If they dawdle over meals, or play instead of eating, let them experience the discomfort of going hungry for a meal.
If they don’t take homework seriously, or fail to complete it on time, let them experience the criticism from the teacher.
Just like the story “Little Horse Crosses the River” reveals to children: no matter how often others point out these dangers to us, nothing leaves a deeper impression than experiencing them firsthand.
Let the child go through, experience, in each “pitfall” and “fall,” deeply understand what is right, what is wrong, so they can truly accept the lessons their parents taught, awaken the dormant inner drive, and possess the powerful ability for self-control.
In real experiences, summarizing lessons learned is more effective than hearing parents’ lectures a hundred times.
2. Establish family rules
As the saying goes: “there can’t be a circle without rules.”
No child is born disciplined, a child’s self-discipline starts with parental guidance.
In a child’s early years, parents can establish some family rules with the child (involving the child in rule-making makes compliance easier).
For example, how many snacks per day? How much screen time daily? How many toys can be purchased in a month? How long to read together with parents each night, and so forth?
After setting these rules, parents should firmly uphold them with the child. No breaking them for any reason.
Gradually, the child will develop a sense of rules.
Through continuous compliance with family rules, the child will gradually form behavioral habits. Consequently, the child will become increasingly self-disciplined.
3. Parents must lead by example
Like mother, like daughter; discipline can be “inherited.”
Children are mirrors of their parents; to make the child a certain way, we must be that way ourselves.
Only disciplined parents can raise self-disciplined children.
As a parent, don’t lecture your children too much, instead impact them through your actions, set a good example for them.
As a saying goes: “As a parent, just be a shining, beautiful mirror, and the child will naturally find the image they should have.”
Parents leading by example can educate self-disciplined children.
Self-discipline is the greatest gift parents can give their children. Start now, guide children in the right way, cultivate their self-discipline.
