Yesterday I went shopping at the supermarket and ran into a neighbor’s baby crying loudly in the stroller. The mother was about to pick him up when a nearby auntie said, “You shouldn’t immediately pick up a crying child. Let them cry for a while first, otherwise the baby won’t learn independence and may use crying as a way to manipulate you in the future…”
Listening to the auntie sound authoritative, the neighbor started hesitating, looking quite troubled.
So, I walked over and said to the neighbor, “Why is the baby crying so much, did he poop?” It was only then that the neighbor picked up the baby, checked the diaper, and indeed, it was dirty.
I believe many mothers have heard of the “cry it out” parenting method, which was proposed by American psychologist John Watson. This parenting method changed the parenting practices of American children for a whole generation, including his own children.
This “cry it out” parenting method can be quite effective, and if one commits to it, mothers can indeed have a more worry-free experience in the future. However, issues that come along with it gradually become apparent as the child grows.
Even John Watson’s own two children, due to lack of love and inability to communicate emotions, attempted suicide multiple times, which is quite ironic.
In fact, the “cry it out” parenting method is not entirely without merit, but it should be used moderately and taking into account the child’s age.
Before the age of 2, children need sufficient sense of security.
Psychologist Erik Erikson believes that providing enough security to infants early on is crucial for them to develop a positive and optimistic personality.
Before the age of 2, children cannot express their feelings through language, so crying and fussing are their only means of communication with parents.
For example, when a child is hungry, soiled, uncomfortable, etc., they will use crying to express themselves. Implementing a strict “cry it out” method at this stage can make the child lose their basic sense of security.
Additionally, in emotional development, children especially need their mother’s embrace. Every mother has experienced that when the baby cries for no reason, as soon as the mother hugs them, the baby’s emotions immediately stabilize.
As adults, we should also have similar feelings. For instance, when we are traveling alone or going to a new university, meeting a fellow native instantly lifts our spirits.
Similarly, when facing difficulties alone and with our loved ones nearby, if we call out for help and they ignore us, we feel extremely disheartened and gradually lose hope in them.
After the age of 2, it’s appropriate to cultivate a child’s independence.
After the age of 2, children’s self-care abilities and expressive skills improve, and unreasonable crying episodes become rare. At this point, if a child cries, after ruling out hunger or discomfort, you can temporarily “ignore” them to encourage their independence.
The principle is simple, with a simple analogy:
When a child is just learning to walk, we must support them, providing a sense of security to take their first steps bravely, as they need your help then. Especially when a child falls while learning to walk, we must promptly help them up, providing enough security.
Once the child learns to walk independently, they will willingly let go of our help. If they fall again at this stage, we can allow them to stand up on their own, fostering their independence.
Never use a one-size-fits-all approach to raise a child, as it can easily lead to a lack of security in the child, eventually affecting their mental health. There is no evidence to show that children who are immediately comforted when crying lack independence as adults; on the contrary, many cases demonstrate that children who are not comforted promptly have a strong sense of insecurity as adults.
