At a public class on the mental and physical health of teenagers, I conducted a small experiment. I asked everyone if they had back pain. Everyone was curious. Clearly, they came to understand the root of children’s issues, so why mention back pain?
In fact, our bodies metaphorically represent our character patterns, express our emotional needs, and reveal our inner true state, constantly reminding us how we live and how we create our family atmosphere.
I interpreted the back pain of five individuals on the spot. I used five elements to represent their back pain and discovered that their inner feelings were completely different.
1. Back pain due to high tension
For A, the element she represented showed physical tension. She was tensed up, exerting force all over, unable to relax at all.
It’s easy to notice that even when off work or on weekends, A sitting here listening attentively was still looking serious. You would find her breathing mainly happening above the diaphragm, her shoulders tightly inward, speaking cautiously. Later, it was discovered that her communication with her child was actually very rigid, lacking emotional color, causing her son to be in a highly tense state. He would suffer from insomnia before exams, leading to feeling drowsy the next day.
A person’s body carries the energy brought by the family, or conversely, they can carry a certain energy to influence the whole family. Emotions themselves are not scary; both positive and negative emotions serve a function. However, a long-standing pattern of tension indeed needs to be acknowledged and observed, otherwise, everyone could be unknowingly affected without realizing it. Such an energy field or diffused emotional signals can bring confusion, trouble, even illnesses, and traumas to a family.
2. Back pain from sadness and powerlessness
For B, the element she represented showed immense inner sadness. She held back many tears, never having the opportunity to shed them, but actually lacking any motivation to live. She felt hopeless about her marriage and disappointed in herself. Even though she tried to express positivity and optimism, her child could sense the mother’s true feelings.
Many children nowadays are highly sensitive and can clearly pick up on their parents’ true emotions. Unfortunately, they often can’t distinguish whether the emotions are their own or their parents’, leading them to feel inexplicably unhappy and unable to live their own life state.
In this era, the connection between mother and child has become even closer. This closeness benefits the mother in terms of more attention to the child and a greater focus on family education. However, the downside is that the mother’s emotions are more likely to influence the child. Mothers who lack the correct approach, coupled with a sense of “self” control, can make it harder for children to become themselves.
3. Back pain from fear and coldness
For C, the element she represented manifested as fear and a chilling feeling. If a person is engulfed by fear, their focus is unlikely to be on their child. The child might even feel like they don’t have a mother, experiencing a significant lack of security. A child’s sense of existence stems from seeing themselves in their mother’s eyes. What the mother needs is not meticulous care but a serene presence, which gives the child a profound sense of security and eligibility, leading to a stable and clear state of mind.
I once encountered a mother very similar to her. Due to childhood fears haunting her, you would often feel her absence; her child unconsciously felt abandoned, experiencing deep emptiness and insecurity, resorting to self-harm to feel something. When the mother is more grounded in the present, the child can also find a sense of existence.
So, it’s not necessary for a mother to excel in taking care of her child or be a perfect mother. Instead of focusing on being the best, what’s more important is how the mother lives her own life.
4. Back pain from anger and resistance
For D, the element she represented showed a slight ache in the lower abdomen, indicating many gynecological issues. Her mother did not acknowledge the female identity and heavily favored males, and she herself disliked being identified as a woman. She strived for everything but never felt happiness. Her son had a very irritable temperament, constantly restless. She mentioned that the whole family had a quick temper. Imagine a family where everyone speaks hastily and aggressively; can a child in such an environment focus and remain stable?
This mother carries a pervasive aura of anger. It seems to represent the whole family’s dissatisfaction with the female identity. Constantly trying to prove herself through actions, words, with louder voices and greater force to express dissent. Such a family becomes a battlefield, full of noise and ongoing conflicts. The child is like a soldier in a battle continuously fighting, hurried and uncertain.
5. Back pain from the inability to rest
For E, the element she represented was rather a heavy burden on her shoulders, feeling immensely pressured and out of breath. Throughout her life, she excelled in various fields, not allowing herself any low points. Graduating from a prestigious school, having a high-paying job, yet unable to understand why her child wants to just relax. There’s a balance in a system; someone overly energetic will have someone relatively low, someone unable to pause will have someone unnoticeably lagging behind. Many people seem to feel that the harder they try, the less fortunate their surroundings become. While seeking our own rhythm, we must respect the pace of those around us, teach according to the individual, pursue optimism with an embracing attitude, instead of getting entangled in fear and competition.
In “Family Awakening,” there’s a saying:
“The ‘self’—the controlling, strict, angry voice that often echoes in my mind—is not the real me. It’s not the true self of any of us. It’s just a habitual response to life’s stressors.”
Our bodies reveal these stress responses. Every person’s body stores emotional signals. Prolonged stress leads to physical manifestations. For instance, persistent tension and worry can cause numerous knots and blockages in the spleen area. With such a body, one might easily get stuck in a ‘worry’ loop, endlessly fearing and doubting, creating worrisome events and relationships, intensifying tension and insecurity, suspicion, and worry in relationships.
We must not deal solely with a negative emotion but truly understand and observe these stress responses within our bodies.
In the 5E Relationship Coach Course, we use the Five Elements charting technique to help you recognize your emotional signals better. Additionally, we assist you in becoming coaching-oriented parents, helping you acquire the following fundamental skills:
– Deep and comprehensive listening
– Focus on feelings rather than thoughts
– Communicate in the present, not dwelling on the future or past
These three facets are most effective in soothing stress signals. By aiding ourselves, we aid our children and the whole family.
