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Adolescent Psychological Counseling: How Deep is the Harm to Children from Parents with Strong Control Desire?

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Ms. L is a mother in her 40s. She says her 12-year-old son has been experiencing dizziness, vomiting, and drowsiness recently. He vomits whatever he eats, resulting in a weight loss of 30 catties. He has temporarily stopped schooling, visited the hospital for examination, but no health issues were found. A doctor suggested she seek psychological counseling.

This mother mentioned that her child doesn’t dislike studying, has many friends, and is well-liked by teachers and classmates. It’s not fear of school, so where does the problem lie?

She appears very rational, likes to reason things out, analyzes her son thoroughly, believing her analysis is correct.

When I wanted to inquire about the child’s situation, she repeatedly interrupted me – “don’t speak, listen to me first.” And she displayed an attitude – “I understand my son very well. As long as he listens to me, he will be fine.”

She even had already decided on how to “guide” the psychological counselor even before deciding to take her child for counseling.

At that moment, I felt dizzy and uncomfortable inside. Just briefly listening to her made me so uncomfortable that I wanted to avoid her. How much pain must her child be in?

By imposing her strong opinions and thoughts on her child, invading the child’s psychological boundaries forcefully, the child will instinctively react with dislike and resistance. However, words are powerless, and the child cannot digest these emotions, resulting in natural reactions like vomiting, dizziness, and drowsiness. Perhaps only when the child gets “sick,” can the mother pause and allow the child some temporary personal space.

How deeply do overly controlling parents harm their children?

Children raised by extremely controlling parents tend to develop in two ways: they either become apathetic, lacking vitality and passively following others’ commands, or they become rebellious, opposing their parents in everything.

1
Children With Nowhere to Escape

The mother Song Qian from the TV series “A Little Happiness” left a deep impression as her controlling nature was terrifying. She not only devised detailed study plans for her daughter Yingzi but also strictly monitored every move of her daughter during her leisure time, hoping her daughter would grow according to her plan.

To prevent Yingzi from attending a university in the south, the mother and daughter had a very unpleasant argument. Yingzi felt suffocated and depressed to the point of wanting to jump into the river. Crying out her inner thoughts: “I just want to escape from you.”

Perhaps Yingzi herself knew that if she didn’t escape from her mother’s control, her future life, career, marriage, and children will all be tightly controlled, completely losing herself, losing the ability to choose.

In life, many parents control their children in the name of love, yet such love is too burdensome and suffocating.

These children cannot hate their parents, nor can they love them, unable to escape and expressing indescribable inner oppression and powerlessness, leading to depression, leaving them almost immobile.

2
Children on the Verge of Mental Collapse

In the TV series “Psychologist,” one visitor, Jiang Jing, believed she had bulimia.

Jiang Jing had won numerous piano awards and often attended various performances.

However, she didn’t like playing the piano, preferring the drums. She disliked the conservative skirts her mother bought her and preferred tank tops. She had a crush on a boy, yet she reached the age of 30 without any romantic relationships.

All of this was due to her mother.

Her mother had supervised and controlled her in all aspects without exceptions.

She was forced to practice the piano. Even in her teens, her mother fed her, styled her hair. In her thirties, her mother still decided what clothes she wore, where she performed, and even confiscated her phone.

Years of oppression pushed Jiang Jing to the brink of collapse, manifesting in bulimia. Whenever she felt anxious and under great pressure, she would stuff herself with food. After eating, afraid of gaining weight, she would frantically induce vomiting.

The process of binge eating and purging was not just about the physical act but a repeated mental breakdown.

3
Punishing Parents by Harming Oneself

A teenage visitor came for counseling due to depression issues brought by her parents. She often used a knife to make cuts on her wrists, controlled by an extremely controlling mother. She fell into severe depression at one point.

She described herself as a bird constantly kept in a cage, devoid of her own thoughts. Everything she did or said was deemed wrong. She couldn’t make any decisions, only feeling her existence when cutting herself.

Through self-harm, she briefly controlled her body, even though her mind was desolate.

There’s a saying – “I can’t harm my parents, so I punish them by harming myself.”

Out of fear of punishment yet also afraid of losing parental care and love, she couldn’t express her dissatisfaction towards her parents, never daring to criticize or blame them.

Under such internal and external torment, children often couldn’t bear it and chose to harm themselves to attain inner peace, seeking a sense of liberation.

Even more frightening is that some adults still endure excessive mental control from their parents.

One visitor shared that her father was extremely controlling, so she distanced herself once she became an adult. Her sister, on the other hand, stayed at home. Despite being more clever and capable than her, her life was in a terrible state due to her father’s entanglement, tearing and binding her.

Just like Nina and her mother in the movie “Black Swan,” an almost pathological controlling parent treated the child as a puppet, wanting to “shape” their child yet ended up breaking the child into pieces.

Although Nina seemed to become a “perfectly” obedient girl under her mother’s control, in reality, it was all just a façade. A compliant girl becoming rebellious is much more terrifying than those who were never obedient from the start.

Conclusion of Guangzhou Psychological Counseling:

In the process of educating children, many parents are accustomed to control or coerce with parental authority, forgetting that even young children are independent individuals with their thoughts and desires.

Parents and children need to grow together. If parents want their children to have an independent personality, they urgently need to learn to lower their controlling tendencies.

Remember, in a child’s growth, both love and freedom are indispensable.

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