I am Shiwen, a female executive from Shenzhen in my thirties. In late November 2023, I was diagnosed with moderate depression. From then on, I began my journey to combat depression.
My depression worsened
Since November 2023, I have repeatedly experienced symptoms such as insomnia, anxiety, and loss of appetite. When I realized something was wrong, I promptly went to the hospital. After a series of tests, the doctor diagnosed me as being on the edge of mild to moderate depression and prescribed fluoxetine and trazodone for a month. However, a month later, my condition had not improved.
During my medication period, even though I was suffering from depression, I did not confide in anyone and continued to go to work, forcing myself to complete every task as usual, which led to a promotion. However, the pressure from the promotion and some setbacks in life became triggers for the deterioration of my condition. In February 2024, I was diagnosed with severe depression, which made me feel an unprecedented sense of despair.
Depression took away my life; I wanted to save myself.
I have thought about giving up work more than once, but the responsibilities after the promotion and my leaders’ expectations made me press on. However, my condition was already very serious; the torment of depression made it nearly impossible to work normally. After obtaining my leader’s consent, I took a month off to rest at home.
After the worsening of my depression, my life was devoid of joy and sorrow; my emotions felt numb, like a flat line after the heartbeat had stopped, lifeless and without any ripple. Nothing made me feel期待, and there was nothing that genuinely brought me joy.
I often ask myself, “When a person loses their passion and hope for life, how can they endure it?” Almost every waking moment, I was “struggling” to live; even the slightest relaxation might lead me to unconsciously think about giving up. Depression is not just unhappiness; it is an incessant mental torment that wears you down day and night, without an end in sight.
During this month, I didn’t step outside; I lay in bed all day but couldn’t sleep at all. I longed for communication with others but was afraid to face their gazes. At my lowest point, I even felt that living had lost its meaning. The most unbearable symptom during this period was insomnia. I kept taking paroxetine and zolpidem during my time off. About a month and a half later, my symptoms eased somewhat, but my overall state was poor; I felt mentally sluggish, and I needed time to process what others had just said.
I do not want to remain in this state; I strongly want to return to a normal life, so I began to explore various ways to save myself.
A friend’s “coercion” gave me hope.
When I talked to a friend about my depression, he recommended CBTD (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Depression). To be honest, I had no confidence and even felt some resistance: if medication couldn’t cure me, how could a software program help? But my friend, who is in the medical field, explained the principles and methods of CBTD in detail and strongly recommended, even “forced” me to try it. I couldn’t refuse him and decided to “grudgingly” give it a shot. After all, I had no better options.
So, in April 2024, I began to combine medication with CBTD treatment.
The process of CBTD treatment was not easy; it required me to record my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors every day and to complete many processes. I had to watch educational videos on depression and keep systematic records. I felt like this was a sort of torture; at first, I was really resistant and thought it was a waste of time.
