During the seventeen years of illness, I was hospitalized three times, and the diagnosis of my condition changed each time.
The first time was when I was fourteen, initially diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia. The second time was at the age of twenty-three when I left home and was hospitalized, diagnosed with simple schizophrenia. The third time was when I was twenty-nine, experiencing intense paranoid delusions, and the police took me to the hospital. The doctors at that time told me that I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia along with severe bipolar disorder.
The psychiatric hospital now seems somewhat familiar to me. I go for follow-ups every two months, and each time I see the patients and their families passing by. Even if the patients are not in hospital gowns, I can still tell from their eyes whether they are normal or not.
For me, schizophrenia is a common disease. I am not trying to boast about my recovery, but I genuinely want to tell other patients and their families who have mental illness like me that I have been through some rough times, and I hope you won’t have to go through the same.
Mental illness is just like heart disease or hypertension; there’s no need to feel ashamed. Never give up hope, especially on yourself. To recover, you can only rely on yourself; others are incapable, just like painkillers – they offer relief for a while, but most of the time, you must endure the painful moments of a mental illness episode on your own.
My first onset of schizophrenia was not about splitting into multiple personalities; in my experience, it involved hallucinations and uncontrollable paranoid delusions. I still hear voices in my head frequently, but I manage to ignore them. The delusion about my mother wanting to harm me, which plagued me in the past two episodes, has completely vanished.
At the age of fourteen, I started experiencing severe auditory hallucinations, with voices insulting me in my head. At first, I didn’t tell anyone. Parents should pay attention if their child suddenly undergoes significant personality changes, frequent low moods, inability to complete tasks, truancy, and consider taking them to see a psychiatrist.
I endured the auditory hallucinations for six months, suffering from insomnia, eventually even avoiding school. Initially, my parents were unaware of my illness until I swallowed all the pills at home, and they had to take me to the hospital for treatment.
Although I did not lose my life then, the lack of adequate mental health knowledge in my family, coupled with my own ignorance, directly led to my subsequent two hospitalizations.
Three episodes of schizophrenia taught me some valuable lessons.
Firstly, the importance of regular check-ups and having a fixed psychiatric treatment doctor. I was hospitalized at fourteen for three months and then returned to school. However, in the nine years after that, we never went for a follow-up, never adjusted medications or dosages; looking back, those nine years were abnormal. But I was unaware, and my mother never thought about taking me to the hospital again.
Having a doctor who understands your condition is essential, and it’s better not to change doctors because they are the ones who know you best in terms of personality traits and illness. Their treatment plans and recommendations are most accurate.
Secondly, it is crucial to undergo proper treatment and medication. At twenty-three, I foolishly believed in methods claiming that one can recover without medication, leading to my second hospitalization, the most severe one.
Medications for mental illness should not be stopped without a doctor’s approval. Even if you feel like you’ve recovered, you should still follow medical advice because the consequences of stopping medication are unpredictable. Mental illness often relapses easily, and trusting alternative treatments can have severe repercussions, which you might not be able to handle.
Some patients may stop medication due to fear of weight gain – one of the side effects of drugs like olanzapine. However, this is not absolute, and you can manage your weight through exercise and diet control. Don’t let concerns about body shape delay your treatment.
When I secretly stopped taking my medication for a month, I lost a significant amount of weight but started sleeping only two to three hours a day and experienced heightened hallucinations, eventually leading to hospitalization. Each episode of illness inflicts severe damage on the brain – during one episode, I ran away to another city; coming back was incredibly fortunate, as the consequences could have been dire.
Taking medication daily is crucial, and communicating frequently with the doctor to adjust medication based on your mental state and emotions is key. Don’t adjust medication dosage on your own. After my discharge two years ago, I adjusted my medication dosage several times before settling on a fixed dosage and type. Finding the right medication regimen for yourself takes time – reducing medication doesn’t necessarily mean improvement, and increasing it doesn’t indicate worsening of the condition. The right dosage is the one that allows you to live normally.
During one year, I swallowed all the olanzapine pills at home, leading to gastric lavage and dialysis. So, family members must manage a patient’s medication well because sometimes they might think that taking all the pills will cure them, or resort to self-harm – don’t keep medications where they can easily be found.
Thirdly, don’t blindly believe in unorthodox remedies. Some patients or family members may seek religious intervention for healing or encourage the patient to befriend fellow sufferers for mutual support and encouragement. I have tried these paths and have some insights to share.
I studied the Bible from the age of twenty till thirty, but this faith didn’t make me better; instead, it exacerbated my condition. Faith is good, but the choice of congregation matters a lot. Mental illness patients are gullible and can easily be led astray; there are many instances of people being hospitalized due to extreme religious beliefs. It’s crucial to consider the patient’s feelings – does the environment feel comfortable, happy, and provide a sense of belonging?
I eventually left the religious organization but retained my faith, and I am improving.
Fourthly, find friends who understand you, as choosing friends is crucial for mental health patients. It’s important to have people who can empathize with you. If your friends constantly pressure you, criticize, or negate you, it’s best to stay away. Recovery requires positive energy, not pressure or coercion.
Fifthly, don’t give up on your hobbies. My recovery and the persistence in my hobbies for two years are closely intertwined.
I enjoy copying texts, and two years ago, during a difficult period, I started copying passages from the Bible. Since falling ill, every day has been tough, with significant side effects from the medication, making it hard to discern how I felt. I tried to read and study but couldn’t focus for long, and due to memory loss from multiple episodes, I couldn’t remember what I read. So, I resorted to the simple act of copying.
Unexpectedly, writing became a part of my life; I bought a nice notebook and pens in various colors, making the activity more engaging. Gradually, I started reading more books and accepted the reality of my diminished memory, focusing on the reading process. Despite apparently not remembering much, the content imbued in me peace, and I became more serene.
If a patient has a hobby, support and encourage them as it may be a gateway to recovery.
Sixth, the benefits of a disability certificate outweigh the stigmas associated with it. During my second hospitalization, my mother obtained a disability certificate for me. Though I resisted for several years, I want to talk to patients about it.
The government offers substantial welfare support for disabled individuals, but societal acceptance may be lacking. Mental disabilities are just as debilitating as physical ones, but being disabled doesn’t mean being incapacitated. You can still study, work, fall in love, and get married, just avoid treating yourself as a reject.
Many families require the support offered by the state because hospitalization is a significant expense. Medical insurance, community care, and support are crucial for patients. Hopefully, patients can accept their illness while not forgoing available assistance.
Seventh, even individuals with schizophrenia deserve meaningful relationships. Everyone has beautiful aspirations for relationships, and the same applies to mentally ill patients.
As long as there’s no episode, we aren’t much different from normal people; we also love, care for loved ones, yet it’s crucial to continue treatment during relationships to avoid causing harm to our loved ones.
I have been fighting schizophrenia for seventeen years, but I won’t give up! I study every day now, gradually moving towards a path where I can work, and I cherish my family and friends even more.
Recovery is a long road, and I hope my experience provides you with some advice and encouragement.
