It’s just insomnia and the chronic pain in my body, every morning I wake up and look in the mirror, it’s like seeing my dead self. But I’ve actually gotten used to it. The pain in the body can indeed relieve the burden on the heart, at least for me.
I used to not eat well, which led to poor spleen and stomach health, now I often get sick, sigh. When my mood is bad, I can fall into a manic state of depression, overly excited, behaving very happily, just like being half ecstatic with laughter!! Hhh, feels like I’ve exhausted all my energy, then I don’t have the energy to be sad anymore.
Perhaps it’s because I’m too sensitive, not only sensitive in my own heart, but also very sensitive to other people’s inner activities, so I care a lot about how others feel about me and how they feel themselves. Therefore, I deliberately act very lively to please others, for me, others’ happiness is important, but many times others may not notice or care. That’s why I still have quite a few friends.
Also, I don’t really feel like living, every day like a ghost, listless, lifeless. My classmate said I look good but too gloomy, oh well, looks indeed reflect the inner self, and it got noticed. Did some silly things, once fell on the railway track, luckily I fell on the side, or else the death would have been really ugly d (д), and would have caused trouble for the cleaning staff. Maybe it’s that bad habit I developed back then, like never looking both ways to cross the street, but anyway there are traffic lights, so it’s quite safe, and even if I get hit, it’s their fault anyway.
Being so sensitive, a glance, a gesture, a word from others, I can figure out their mental activities, even a long lost friend, I can guess their current situation from just a few words on the screen, he says I’m too scary. After being hurt deeply, I numb myself for a long time, willpower is really a powerful thing, but seems like I directed it in the wrong way. So I started living carefree, indifferent, not caring, not overthinking. And gradually my memory started deteriorating, which might be a good thing for me. Because I forget a lot of things, the harm caused is less, and I don’t cling to everything as I used to. But it does affect my life, I feel I look dull (﹁﹁), and I forget a lot of things, which does affect my work and life. My friends say I’m heartless, no matter how good they are to me, hhh.
But, this is how I self-heal. In this long time, I slowly shed parts of myself to become a different half of me. Although life is dull, at least I’m not depressed all the time. No one teaches us how to grow, how to face things, but not everyone’s way of dealing with things is right, so we hit a wall, get bruised, yet don’t seek help, taking many detours. But now, I’m slowly learning to go with the flow.
No one can enter my world, even now it’s still the same, but after all the major setbacks, there must be some scars left. I’ve worked hard to maintain this state for so long, don’t want anyone to disrupt it, timid or weak, indifferent, not overthinking, that’s my compromise, if I can go on like this until death, that’s not bad.
This is me, but my dear children, if any of you still can’t get out, don’t be sad, don’t rush, life has many forms, your form is special too. You have to know, in this world, there are many people like you, who can understand half of your sorrow, you’re not alone, you’re not alone.
Don’t be afraid to seek help, if someone refuses, don’t mind, they just don’t know how to help. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, even if it’s just talking. Don’t close yourself off, go out and see the world more, even if you’re alone, there are still many people in the world, going through struggles worse than yours, everyone has their own troubles. So you’re lucky! Depression is not a big deal! It’s just a part of some people’s lives, like eating and sleeping, very natural.
My dear girl, I hope as you walk on this path, wearing a white dress, when you pass through that muddy path, the sunlight will shine on your wet face, and when you see me, your dress will still be clean, complementing your eyes.
