Medical guidance: Professor Li Yan, Director of Psychological Sleep Department, Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine
Xiao Ya is a 15-year-old ninth-grade female student. One day after school, she walked into her room, comfortably started playing with her phone, thinking, “After a tiring day at school, I can finally relax.”
Her mother walked into the room, saw her daughter playing on the phone, and a wave of anger surged in her heart: “What time is it already, and you’re not studying? All you know is to play…” Xiao Ya was also very angry: “What’s wrong with relaxing! I’m so tired at school, and when I come back, I get scolded by you, it’s so annoying!” Saying this, she got up and pushed her mother out of the room.
When her mother left the room, Xiao Ya couldn’t help but cry. The academic pressure was great, and she had been working hard, but no matter how hard she tried, her mother was never satisfied. Her mother felt that Xiao Ya could do better, but she was unwilling to give her all.
Their relationship became increasingly strained. In order to solve the problem, they both walked into the counseling room.
During the consultation, her mother talked about her childhood, which was relatively poor. She worked hard to study and secured a job in a big city, changing her destiny. In her mother’s view, a good education leads to a better future, while not studying leads to hardship. So when she saw her child playing on the phone, she couldn’t help but get angry. She also knew that getting angry wouldn’t solve the problem. The relationship with her child was deteriorating, and the child’s state was also deteriorating.
What are the reasons for parents not being able to help but get angry with their children?
Summer vacation has arrived, and most children stay at home, posing a great “test” for parent-child relationships. Many times, parents can’t help but get angry at some of their children’s behaviors, knowing they shouldn’t, but still finding it hard to control. Generally, there are several reasons for this situation:
Firstly, like in this case, parents’ perception of study differs from that of their children. Parents believe that only when all their time is devoted to studying can it be considered as diligent studying, whereas children may feel that as long as they work hard and have a clear conscience, it’s enough. Some parents may understand their children’s perspective, but they still get angry because they themselves cannot accept not putting in maximum effort into studying. If parents feel angry at themselves for not dedicating every moment to studying, they may get triggered when their child doesn’t do the same, activating their hidden anger.
Secondly, parents may harbor anger towards their partners or other family members. When parents get angry at their children, it may also be an expression of dissatisfaction towards their partners or other family members. For example, if a mother says, “Why are you so much like your father, always playing and not doing any serious work,” she might be expressing her dissatisfaction with her partner through getting angry at her child.
Of course, there are more situations in clinical settings. Many times, emotions are just being vented, but the underlying issue is not truly resolved.
What to do when you can’t help but get angry at your child?
Firstly, parents should promptly recognize if they have any inner feelings of disappointment and anger towards themselves that get activated during interactions with their children. If these emotions exist, they should adjust them promptly or seek help from professionals to avoid causing unnecessary harm.
Secondly, parents can learn some emotion management techniques through psychological counseling. For instance, when emotions arise due to a child’s behavior, they can try techniques like clenching fists, deep breathing, etc., to remind themselves to pause before reacting. Communication driven by emotions often leads to arguments, even if the child is forced to accept the parent’s emotions, they cannot form independent behaviors in such a state.
Lastly, getting good rest is also crucial. When a person is overly fatigued, they are more likely to be triggered emotionally, so parents should adjust their work-life stress and try to balance their lifestyle. Sometimes, engaging in activities like exercise, reading, etc., can help keep their mind and body in a relaxed state. If they cannot balance their lifestyle and stress levels on their own, it is recommended to seek help through counseling and therapy methods at an early stage.
Medical guidance: Li Yan, Professor, Doctor of Medicine, Doctoral Supervisor, Chief Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctor, National Level 2 Psychological Consultant. Currently serves as the Director of Psychological Sleep Specialty at Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine. Awarded the title of Outstanding Young TCM Talent in Guangdong Province, Young Renowned TCM Doctor at Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine, and Excellent Doctor of Yangcheng. Currently holds positions such as Director of the Sleep Psychology Professional Committee of Guangdong Society of Integrated Traditional Chinese and Western Medicine, Vice Chairman of the Mind-Body Medicine Professional Committee of Guangdong Society of Integrated Traditional Chinese and Western Medicine, and Vice Chairman of the Clinical Mind-Body Medicine and Psychotherapy Professional Committee of Guangdong Clinical Medicine Society.
Professionally coached by prominent TCM figures including Professor Tong Xiaolin from Beijing Guang’anmen TCM, Professor Zhang Xuewen from Shaanxi University of Chinese Medicine, Professor Huang Huang from Nanjing University of Chinese Medicine, and Professor Li Fazhi from Henan University of Chinese Medicine. Through years of clinical practice, gradually developed a guiding system based on TCM theories such as “Shang Han Liu Jing” and “Pi Wei Lun,” particularly skilled in applying “Shang Han Liu Jing differentiation” and “Pi Wei Lun” theories to the treatment of mental disorders, anxiety attacks, sleep disorders, panic disorders, bipolar emotional disorders, schizophrenia, and other psychological sleep-related diseases.
Received systematic training in various psychotherapies such as psychoanalysis, cognitive-behavioral therapy, family therapy, marriage therapy, family systemic constellations, and sandplay therapy. Flexible use of individual psychotherapy, group therapy, family systemic constellations, sandplay games, emotion-based therapy, and other therapies, covering various sleep disorders, depressive episodes, various neuroses, interpersonal relationship difficulties, adolescent emotional and behavioral disorders, abnormal marriage and family relationships, abnormal parent-child relationships, difficulties in occupational adaptation, and other psychological disorders.
Clinic hours: Monday and Wednesday mornings (Psychological Sleep Department Outpatient Clinic, Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine), Thursday mornings (Special Outpatient Clinic, 5th floor, West Zone, Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine).
Introduction to Psychological Sleep Specialty of Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine
Established in 2005, the Psychological Sleep Specialty of Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine has grown rapidly since its inception, offering a wide range of diagnosis and treatment options, demonstrating strong comprehensive service capabilities, and having a significant national impact. The department currently has 13 clinical doctors, 3 psychological therapists, with annual outpatient visits exceeding 30,000, with nearly 95% purity of traditional Chinese medicine treatment and an effectiveness rate of over 80%.
The Psychological Sleep Specialty caters to various sleep disorders, mental disorders, psychological disorders, and some difficult and miscellaneous diseases. It also addresses poor interpersonal relationships, abnormal parent-child relationships, learning disabilities, adolescent adaptation disorders, abnormal marriage relationships, etc.
During the clinical diagnosis and treatment process, the department emphasizes both physical and psychological treatment, providing highly individualized treatment plans based on individual needs. They selectively combine Chinese herbal decoctions, acupuncture, psychotherapy, physical therapy, and novel therapies like individual psychotherapy, group therapy, sleep cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnosis, sandplay therapy, acupuncture, etc. The clinical efficacy is remarkable, with a distinct emphasis on traditional Chinese medicine characteristics.
Contributed by: Yang Dongrong, Psychological Sleep Specialty, Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine
Executive Editor: Zhang Jingwen, Jin Hui
Reviewed by: Wang Junfei
Responsible Editor: Chen Jiajia
