Before, I always felt like depression had nothing to do with me. My colleagues and friends found it hard to believe that I could have this illness – I am a straightforward person, I speak out when something makes me unhappy, I say what I want to say; I often chat with friends, whether I am happy or not; at work, I am also straightforward, once I am dissatisfied, I will show it, even making new colleagues feel scared.
But at some point, I became more and more silent, starting to hide myself. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I should react to certain things. I feel like an onlooker.
One day, my friends advised me that if I couldn’t help myself, I should see a doctor. Upon a friend’s recommendation, I made an appointment with a doctor. When I received the test report and saw the word “depression” written on it, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “How did I become like this?”
The first night I took the medication, I slept particularly deeply, without dreaming, and woke up with a blank mind. I usually have shallow sleep, often dreams, only sleep deeply when drunk. Sleeping this deeply made me realize that poor sleep quality might affect my physical and mental health. However, sleeping too deeply made me feel tired during the day and sometimes distracted. A month later, the doctor changed my medication, but the dosage remained the same.
I decided to see a doctor also because of something my father said — my parents noticed that I was getting thinner every time I went home, my mom thought I was losing weight, but my dad felt something was off with me. I revealed some situations to him, and he said to me, “Don’t forget you still have a home, do you want to move back home?” I felt I should be taking care of the elderly, not becoming their burden.
During the treatment, although some medications had side effects, they did help alleviate some of the discomfort caused by anxiety. My sleep and appetite improved, although I sometimes felt sleepy during the day, my mood was relatively calm. However, sometimes I would suddenly cry, feeling anxious and unsettled.
Some people believe I don’t need medication, just need to drink every day, think of happy things; and some mock me, saying depression patients wouldn’t speak out.
For some people, seeing a psychologist is embarrassing, but it is natural to see a doctor when physically ill.
I didn’t get depression because I was fragile or sad; on the contrary, I am quite resilient. Sometimes my friends are surprised at how I can endure certain things. I am thoughtful, think more than others, and always end up seeing things I shouldn’t see, enduring pain continuously.
I have been struggling, trying to move forward, although sometimes lost, but still slowly putting myself together, even though it is painful, still have to bravely face life.
Depression is an illness, but also a reminder. It made me realize that I can’t live in the past ways anymore, I may need to stop, not continue blindly forward.
In adversity and low tides, people often self-deny and self-blame. The doctor told me that depression is not like a cold, getting better once treated, I need to slowly learn how to deal with these discomforts.
Love and loss are normal in life, suppression and regrets can cause pain. Depression forces me to confront these pains, face my emotions and emotional exhaustion. This is something I must go through. In this process, I can gradually regain my strength.
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