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“Three-year-old child, both cats and dogs are disgusted”
Most children will enter their first period of rebellion at 1-3 years old, becoming prone to crying, being emotionally unstable, self-centered, saying “no”, often openly challenging adults, or excessively clingy and dependent.
In the face of this “incarnation of angels and demons,” besides patience and love, we need to understand that this period is when children need their parents’ help the most. Understanding and empathizing that their minds and bodies are under immense pressure for growth, resulting in troublesome behavior.
How can we help children smoothly navigate through their first period of rebellion in life? Listen to the advice from Taiwanese education experts!
※ Accompanying children through their first period of rebellion
The Western “terrible twos” and the Eastern saying “Three-year-old child, both cats and dogs are disgusted” are sayings passed down in families with children. In just a few words, they truly comfort parents because they represent how parents of two or three-year-old children around the world are deeply perplexed by that “incarnation of angels and demons” in their homes!
Developmental psychology refers to children aged one to three as “toddlers.” In just two short years, children learn to walk, talk, distinguish between good and bad, and experience many life-firsts: jealousy, anger…
The reason why toddlers are “troublesome” is because their minds and bodies are facing important developments that parents may not be aware of.
※ Important development 1: Sensing and learning to handle more emotions
There are several emotions at play in a child’s mind every day: fear, shyness, jealousy, and more.
Many emotions are experienced by a child for the first time, and they have to face and deal with these emotions, which are a major lesson in life for them. According to John Losen, a child’s intelligence often develops faster than their physical abilities at two years old, so the child may already know how to solve a problem but cannot act on it.
What can parents do?
Parents may be distressed because their child is “difficult to handle”, but the child is also going through a hard time. They are not “intentionally” misbehaving, but are in an unstable state due to drastic changes in body and mind; their worst moments are when they need their parents’ help the most. Parents can help them by:
1. Expressing their emotions
Associate Professor Lin Peirong of the Department of Early Childhood Education at National Taipei University of Education believes that children find it difficult to clearly express their thoughts due to their young age. It may be because they saw a big brother with a beautiful balloon on the road and wanted one too but didn’t know how to express it, causing them to get angry. When faced with these unclear emotions, do not ask for reasons as the child may not be able to clearly explain, instead accept their feelings: “You’re not in a good mood, right?”
2. Teaching better ways of expressing emotions
When a child is emotional, do not suppress it, encourage them to express frustration and anger in words. If their language skills are not yet proficient, help them construct sentences or rephrase their feelings: “Are you angry because you couldn’t complete the puzzle?” Talking calmly but firmly to a tantrum-throwing toddler can help calm them down. How you treat them is their model for learning to manage their emotions.
3. Suggesting alternative solutions
Toddlers already have a basic ability to sense emotions. When faced with frustrating stimuli, they may try to shift their attention or control their feelings. Guide them to verbalize their feelings and shift their focus to more comfortable emotions, such as: “Mom is not here now, but when she comes back, we can read a story together.”
※ Important development 2: A self-seeking explorer
Sudden walking and talking abilities allow children to explore much wider boundaries. In pursuit of independence, they may engage in risky behaviors: insisting on crossing the road alone, drinking hot soup by themselves, using scissors to cut paper, etc.
What can parents do?
Let them explore the environment freely, making sure dangerous objects such as cleaning agents, medicines, knives, and valuable items are out of their reach. Provide accessible items for exploration and experimentation. Designate a special cabinet for the child’s toys and items to encourage exploration.
Teach children how to explore safely by providing child-friendly tools and allowing them to participate in simple household tasks.
※ Important development 3: Becoming more dependent
At this stage, children may develop a higher level of dependency, becoming clingy, timid, fearful of strangers, separation, darkness, thunder, etc. Due to their explorations, they realize the world is more complex than they imagined, feeling unsafe and seeking more reliance on caregivers. This is part of the process of learning independence.
What can parents do?
Regarding a child’s dependency, Losen suggests:
1. Allow the child to stick to you
When a child is overly clingy, it may reflect their insecurity, fearing that once the parents leave, they may not return. Establishing trust is the best way to ease insecurity; inform the child when you will return and stick to your promises. After a few times, the child will understand that you always keep your word, reducing their insecurity.
2. Make the child believe you can protect them
When a child is scared, do not ask why as they may not be able to explain; however, do not belittle their fears either. Acknowledge their feelings: “I know you find the dark scary.” Use imagination to dispel fear. Encourage them to imagine a superhero named “Lulu” who can chase away monsters when they are scared.
3. Maintain stable daily routines
One of the signs of a child’s strong desire for independence is adherence to rules. Two-year-olds strictly follow certain observed rules: when to do what and where to put things. Predictable life rhythms can provide children with a sense of security.
※ Important development 4: Openly challenging parents, loving to say “No!”
During the toddler stage, children love saying “No” because they realize that this simple word can reject the instructions of adults. Lecturer Li Shuru from Hongguang University of Technology explains that in a child’s mind, the adult world was once an absolute authority. When they dare to challenge and attempt to disrupt this authoritative adult world, it is a declaration of “growth.”
Children’s rebellious behaviors, such as continuously throwing items off the table, doing everything you forbid, shaking their heads vigorously when dressing them or feeding them, are all ways of testing limits – your patience, rules, and their ability to influence or change their environment. Children are actively pushing their boundaries to see how things might turn out differently.
What can parents do?
Parents may be perplexed: the formerly happy, pleasant child has become difficult, stubborn, and disobedient. Facing a toddler who openly challenges parental authority:
1. Appreciate their courage
Your child is “growing up” and very brave! If you find it difficult to appreciate, try writing down ten great things your child did each day before bedtime. This helps you view your child’s actions more positively.
2. Surrender intentionally
The best way to handle a troublesome and inappropriate request from a toddler is to intentionally surrender, allowing them to realize the request is unreasonable. For instance, if they insist on wearing their favorite woolen vest in summer, let them wear it and experience the discomfort, leading them to remove it themselves.
3. Redirect attention
During situations with immediate danger, it’s not suitable to let the child make decisions. Instead, pick them up and restrict their movements. The best approach is to divert their attention from the present situation to something new and interesting.
4. Maintain the required routines
Regardless of how bossy or stubborn you perceive them to be, it is essential to uphold the rules they should follow. Making concessions can make them feel that crossing boundaries is easy. If rules have been explained but the child remains disobedient, consider using Annete Castenshan’s advice, employing the “broken record” technique: repeat several times what the child should do without acknowledging their objections. Let them know that while you understand and accept them, you are the one in control.
5. Good role modeling
One positive outcome of “declaring independence” is the increased use of “social referencing.” When faced with new stimuli, children first observe their parents’ reactions before deciding how to respond. For example, when encountering a big dog on the street, a child will first look at their father’s face to decide whether to be afraid of the dog or approach and pet it.
Although it may seem like your child is contradicting you at every turn, their every word and action actually mirrors you. Faced with toddlers who cry and laugh, experiencing drastic emotional fluctuations, “leading by example” is more effective than numerous educational theories.
※ Important development 5: Thinking they are the center of the universe
Toddlers believe that others think, see, and feel the same as them and cannot comprehend that everyone has different thoughts. Common occurrences include: while playing hide-and-seek, they may believe hiding with their head under a blanket and exposing their whole bottom makes them perfectly hidden. Or giving you their favorite SpongeBob toy, thinking that what they like, everyone likes.
Due to this misunderstanding, when they cannot have things their way, they may scream, get angry, kick, bite, or hit.
What can parents do?
During this period, parents have a challenging task: accepting the child’s belief that they are the center of the universe while gently but firmly helping them understand that they are not.
1. Build a good relationship with the child
Give more attention when the child is not misbehaving. When they attempt dangerous activities, use phrases like “You can…” instead of “You can’t…” Additionally, master the art of diverting their attention. When the child becomes trouble, find something more interesting to capture their attention. Keep control in your hands to provide a sense of security for the child.
2. Involve the child in your activities
There must be a dedicated time every day for “wholehearted bonding with the child,” where you put aside other tasks and attentively spend time with the child. Outside of that time, if you have other tasks, let them know: “Mom is hungry, it’s time to have a proper meal.” or invite the child to join you in your work: “Mom needs to wash dishes now, can you help wipe the table?”
3. Pay attention to each other as a couple
Children believe they are the center of the world because they are always the center of attention in the family. Parents must focus less on the child and more on each other, first being good partners and then good parents. Entrust the child with a specific household task to contribute to the family.
4. Use “understanding” instead of “patience”
Patience is definitely required from parents. Understanding a child’s development and traits helps manage expectations, avoiding unrealistic hopes such as wanting a two-year-old to share or a three-year-old to control their temper. Reduce unrealistic expectations to lead a less frustrating life.
Furthermore, true comprehension of a child’s differences, replacing patience with understanding, is a higher level of parenting. Children are not “miniature adults,” and growth is not about “quantity” but “qualitative” change. This is a fundamental difference, not just a difference in degree.
Lin Peirong gives an example that the rhythm of a three-year-old’s life is drastically different from an adult’s, being slow-paced, process-centric, while adults often rush them.
The most common words parents use are “hurry up,” and the most common actions are taking charge of chores the child should be learning, leading to general poor moods, impatience, and unwillingness to wait among children today. To raise composed, emotionally stable, and capable children, parents must first slow down.
Having understanding is not enough to be a confident parent.
Perhaps applaud the curious, explorative, self-assured, and bravely challenging toddlers in your home; they are undergoing the fastest and most chaotic growth phase of life, all while enjoying the process.
Also, give a round of applause to yourself as the parent of a toddler, as you are carrying out one of the most difficult jobs in the world without flinching and seriously contemplating how to provide more understanding and love to your toddler.
Layout / Liao Bowen
Review / Shu Guan
Image sources from the internet, deletion upon request.
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