“Ah, there is so much chaotic information online, spare us parents! One moment you say ‘children need to be managed,’ the next moment you say ‘children should not be managed,’ sometimes you say ‘we should respect children’s thoughts,’ and then you say ‘children should follow rules,’ what should we do in the end?”
If you also have such confusion, let us straighten things out together now, and see which matters regarding children need parental guidance and which do not? Which matters require parents to respect children’s thoughts? Which matters require parents to uphold principles?
Firstly, it is clear that every parent wishes their children to be obedient, do you also have the same desire? Why do we want our children to be obedient? It is simple because obedient children are easy to manage! However, this is precisely an idea that parents need to let go of, what is the reason?
Now, let’s look at what “not being obedient” really means. The so-called “not being obedient” is when a child wants to do things according to their own thoughts. Are there any benefits to “not being obedient”? Yes. “Not being obedient” is a necessary psychological need for children to grow into adults. What is the significance of “not being obedient”? I will give an example, and you will see.
There was a child, just starting the first year of junior high school, but he was already a “seasoned smoker” for a year. When caught smoking in the toilet by the teacher, the teacher was very shocked because this child was usually so obedient, how could he make such a mistake? The result was that the child admitted that he knew smoking was wrong, but his good friend always made him smoke each time, so he had to compromise. The child was aware that this behavior was wrong but did not know how to stick to his own thoughts, thus being controlled by his friends, succumbing to his friends, which is what we call “being obedient.” Why was he so “obedient”? Because he feared losing his place in the crowd or losing his friends, so he ultimately engaged in self-harmful behavior.
The primary function of this instinct of “not being obedient” is to establish one’s safety zone, not easily controlled by others, and to gain a sense of self-control. We all want our children to be self-disciplined. Self-control is the beginning of self-discipline. Being excessively controlled and dominated by others is not beneficial for children. Each person has independence, even within the family, and can be relatively independent. If we train our children to be obedient and easily manipulated individuals, it is a very dreadful thing!
Excessive obedience in children will not lead to self-discipline, but it will make their life path increasingly difficult! In a child’s childhood experiences, if we excessively compel them to be obedient, it hinders their instincts and growth.
A significant amount of psychological research shows that almost all individuals with psychological problems experience at least one of two types during childhood: excessively controlled or excessively neglected.
The so-called excessive control is when parents excessively demand the child to be obedient. At this point, some parents may say, “If we don’t control the child, let them act as they please all the time, isn’t that the right way?” In reality, it is not. We must differentiate between having thoughts and being willful.
A child confused the two, thinking that being a thoughtful person meant living willfully. Therefore, he took pride in challenging parents and teachers. At home and in school, he was at odds with everyone like a porcupine. In fact, he did not realize that having thoughts and being willful are entirely different.
“Having thoughts” means being capable of facing various problems, presenting one’s views and solutions, whereas “being willful” is an expression of lacking discipline. For example, a driver can have thoughts about the color of the car, how to decorate it, whether to seek a friend’s help or fix it themselves when the car breaks down—all these he can have his own thoughts on. But can he willfully not follow traffic rules? No! Therefore, having thoughts is acceptable, but being willful is not.
Now, back to the initial question: How to raise a child who is both obedient and thoughtful? The key balance we need to grasp is to raise a child who is disciplined yet has the freedom to think. For certain matters concerning the child personally, we should allow discrepancies between our thoughts and theirs, allow the child to make mistakes. Simultaneously, we must instill a sense of rules in the child, making them a person who respects rules. This way, the child does not need to be forcibly controlled by parents, nor will they be willful.
Consider this example: In a family, there is a rule that every Saturday, family members clean together, and the child also has to tidy up their room. A disciplined child adheres to the family rule, helping with household chores at cleaning time and respecting this rule. At the same time, parents permit the child to think freely. When the child wants to mop the floor instead of sweeping with a broom, the parents do not rigidly dictate that the child must only use a broom but allow the child to try mopping. After the child’s attempt and realization that wetting the floor doesn’t facilitate cleaning, they gain experience. If the child discovers they can clean the floor thoroughly by adjusting their approach, parents do not force them to conform to adult habits. In this kind of education, children have the opportunity to become individuals attentive to rules yet possessing independent thoughts. Their parents teach them to respect the family’s rules, making them obedient and easy to manage, while also allowing them the opportunity to make decisions for themselves in the process, thus respecting the child’s thoughts.
When a child has thoughts, can propose more ideas to address issues, and is not easily led by others, the child will become more mature, and parents will be more at ease.
Content Source:
Published by People’s Health Publishing House “Series on Growing Up with Children – Understanding Children and Parenting Wisely”
Author:
Zheng Runzhi
