Many visitors enter therapy often feeling anxious, believing they are the only unfortunate ones with some horrifying or unacceptable problems, thoughts, impulses, and fantasies. Of course, there is some truth to this notion, as most visitors experience unusually severe life stress, and from time to time, those terrifying contents from the subconscious may come flooding out like a deluge.
To some extent, we all experience this, but the extreme social isolation of these visitors amplifies their sense of uniqueness. Their interpersonal difficulties prevent them from forming deep connections and meaningful intimate relationships. In daily life, they are unable both to feel the experiences of others and to trust others, ultimately leading to a lack of trust and acceptance from others.
During the therapeutic process, especially in the early stages, affirming the visitors’ sense of uniqueness can itself alleviate their emotions. When hearing other members reveal similar concerns, a sense of resonance arises, akin to the feeling of “returning to the crowd.” One might simply apply an old saying, “misery loves company,” or say, “we are all in the same boat.”
Despite the complexities of human issues, there remain certain commonalities among them. Members of a therapy group can quickly see their similarities. One example illustrating this point is that for many years, we have asked members of training groups (mostly medical students, psychiatric residents, nurses, psychiatric technicians, and volunteers) to complete a “super secret” assignment. Members are encouraged to anonymously write down their deepest secret on paper—the one thing they are least willing to share with others.
Surprisingly, these secrets are often strikingly similar and can be categorized into several major types. Firstly, a common secret is the deep-seated belief in one’s inadequacies, where individuals feel that if others truly saw who they were, they would uncover their incompetence and see through their facade; secondly, there is a profound sense of social alienation, with many stating they cannot or do not genuinely care for or love another person; thirdly, various sexual secrets are the most common type.
Generally, for the typical population seeking professional help, their primary issues are also quite similar in nature. Almost without exception, visitors are deeply concerned about their sense of self-worth and their ability to form relationships with others.
For some individuals, keeping secrets holds a special significance, which is also the reason for their isolation; groups formed by such individuals place extraordinary value on commonality. For example, patients with bulimia are required to self-disclose within the contract of their short-term structured groups, specifically explaining their attitudes toward body image, and they must meticulously record each person’s eating and elimination behaviors. Without exception, when patients discover they are not alone and that others share the same troubles and life experiences, they feel a tremendous sense of relief.
Members of homogeneous groups can engage in powerful, genuine **flow due to their shared personal experiences, something that therapists find difficult to reach.
For instance, I once supervised a case: a 35-year-old group therapist was working with a group of depressed male patients aged seventy to eighty. Suddenly, a recently despondent 77-year-old member expressed thoughts of wanting to commit suicide. The therapist hesitated, fearing that any feedback might come across as naive. At that moment, a 91-year-old member expressed feelings about losing his wife at the age of sixty, revealing that he was in a state of suicidal despair then but eventually recovered his emotions and reclaimed his life. Such a narration is a deep resonance rather than mere feedback.
Commonality, like other therapeutic factors, does not work in isolation. When visitors feel the similarities between themselves and others and share their deepest worries, the accompanying catharsis and complete acceptance from others can bring them tremendous benefit.
If you:
find it hard to get along well with your boyfriend/girlfriend;
fear entering an intimate relationship;
always struggle to find suitable partners,
leading to gradually doubting yourself;
have an awkward relationship with your parents,
making various excuses to distance yourself from them;
even feel reluctant to contact your parents;
feel you have sacrificed a lot,
but are always “resented” by friends;
lose yourself when in a romantic relationship;
find it hard to say “no” to others’ arrangements;
……
perhaps you might consider joining an interpersonal growth group to gain a new life and enjoy the seasons of life!
