Many young people feel helpless when their parents “refuse to see a doctor when they’re sick and keep it from their children.”
Li Shuang, a cardiologist at a hospital in Changsha, Hunan, recalls a recent case where an elderly person brought in by their children had long-term blood pressure of 160/110. The elderly person had noticed it but didn’t seek medical help. Instead, they believed the advice of health care institutions, health product salespeople, and some friends, “using health products at home, even using ‘unknown Chinese medicine’ for recuperation. If it wasn’t for the children forcing them to go to the hospital, they would have continued enduring it at home.”
Li Shuang told a reporter from Youth.cn: “When the elderly avoid seeking medical help, by the time they’re diagnosed, it’s often a serious situation. Compared to 10 years ago, there has been some improvement, but it still happens frequently. I encounter two to three cases like this every week.”
Many young people feel helpless about their parents’ behavior of “refusing to see a doctor when they’re sick and not telling their children.” Additionally, posts online criticizing their parents for actions like not wanting to use the electric fan in hot weather, eating leftovers for a long time, have also resonated with many people. Young people call these behaviors “enjoying blessings without hardships, eating hardships for no reason.” They can’t understand: in situations where economic conditions allow, why do their elders still choose to “eat hardships for no reason”? How can better communication help parents reduce such behaviors?
Distressed by their elders “eating hardships for no reason
Chen Jie, a 20-year-old girl from Chongqing, is often distressed by how her grandparents “eat hardships for no reason.” Her grandparents live in the countryside, receiving a few hundred yuan in pension each month. When she and her family visit them during festivals, they often bring them things and give them money. Chen Jie feels that even though the cost of living in the countryside is low, they could live better without having to “eat hardships for no reason.”
Recently, she took her younger sister to the countryside for summer vacation. Before the first meal, she found bowls and chopsticks soaking in already spoiled water, with three or four other buckets containing dirty water. When Chen Jie tried to clean up by emptying the dirty water, her grandmother scolded her for not being frugal. Chen Jie noticed that the food she bought for her grandparents wasn’t being eaten. The noodles were moldy, the rice had gone bad, and the cooking oil had expired, leading to stomach upset after eating.
Her grandmother often goes out to spread manure in the fields during meal times and sometimes doesn’t return until late, risking accidents on the hill. “If she falls on the slope and there are no young people at home, what will happen? She also often goes to the mountains to look for herbs under the scorching sun. Even if they sell the herbs, how much can they earn? They are not short of money, yet they choose to engage in risky activities. When I take my grandmother back with me, she says she can’t get used to the way I live, so she is sent back and runs back up the hill.” Chen Jie said.
Chen Jie was raised by her grandparents and has a deep emotional bond with them. Due to her grandmother’s long history of “eating hardships for no reason,” her mother has lost patience completely and rarely takes her sister to visit their grandparents. With her parents working outside, the responsibility of taking care of the elderly during holidays falls on Chen Jie’s shoulders. “Every time my aunt comes back to her family, she complains that I haven’t taken good care of our grandparents. But I have really tried my best, and I feel so tired,” she lamented.
In June, after finishing his college entrance exams, Yu Mao spent several days taking care of his grandmother in the hospital. One night, his grandmother started feeling cold and weak at 9 p.m., but she refused to go to a small clinic as suggested by his grandfather. It wasn’t until 4 a.m. the next day that she called Yu Mao’s father. By the time they brought his grandmother to the hospital, she had a high fever of 40 degrees Celsius, had been unconscious for several hours, and only started to regain consciousness after receiving intravenous fluids.
Both Yu Mao and his parents feel helpless about his grandmother’s behavior of not seeking medical help when she’s sick. When asked why she didn’t seek medical attention when she felt unwell, his grandmother said she thought she could just endure it and didn’t want to bother the whole family. A few years ago, during a similar incident in the summer, due to a lack of hospital beds, she had to return home to recuperate. She never expected the consequences to be so serious this time.
Why do some elderly people “eat hardships for no reason”?
According to Professor Tang Dan from the Institute of Gerontology at Renmin University of China, while acknowledging that some elderly people “eat hardships for no reason,” it doesn’t mean all elderly people do so; the perception of elderly people should not be generalized, and individual differences among the elderly need to be considered.
Tang Dan analyzed the behavior of some elderly people “eating hardships for no reason” from three perspectives. In today’s society, a considerable number of elderly people have experienced a lot of hardships during their growth. They are used to preparing for the worst, even if their living conditions have improved, they may find it difficult to accept this change, which is a unique characteristic of their generation.
Furthermore, Tang Dan explained that a person’s personality and behavior tend to become more rigid and conservative as they grow older. They are more inclined to maintain their original way of life, and with declining cognitive functions, they may not be as receptive to new things, finding comfort in their usual way of life.
Additionally, Tang Dan believes that the notion of “eating hardships for no reason” also reflects generational differences. She gave an example of her aunt who previously thought she was still young and capable. She went to work in the fields in her village but ended up with a lung infection due to heatstroke. “My aunt didn’t think it was a hardship, nor was she trying to teach the younger generation about hardships. She found a sense of self-worth and self-respect through her work,” Tang Dan explained.
Song Zhenshao, the Executive Deputy Director of the Psychological Health Education and Counseling Center at Beijing Normal University, also stated that the definitions of “hardships” vary between generations. Some elderly people find happiness in sacrificing for their children, where they put the needs of others above their own, without being selfish. Younger generations may feel that older people should consider themselves more and not always sacrifice for others.
He also pointed out that traditional beliefs like “raising children to support you in old age” are not appropriate. Some parents have expectations of their children when providing care, hoping that their kindness will be reciprocated in the future. This concealed expectation may place pressure on the children. “We need to recognize that some elderly people don’t expect anything in return from their children; they wholeheartedly and conscientiously serve their children. Some of them ‘consciously or unconsciously’ carry out the part that young people complain about (raising children to support them in old age),” he said.
“Each generation faces its own challenges, and the hardships of this generation are different from those of the previous generation,” Song Zhenshao explained. The previous generation faced hardships mainly related to material scarcity, leading them to be particularly frugal. Today’s younger generation faces more mental and spiritual challenges, resulting in an increase in anxiety and depression. These hardships are something the older generation may not understand. Therefore, the interpretations and experiences of hardships differ between the two generations.
Based on communication with patients, Li Shuang found that in most cases, the reluctance to seek medical help stems from the elderly’s ability to endure discomfort. Although they feel unwell, they believe enduring it will make it pass, sometimes delaying the best treatment time. Additionally, elderly people often lack medical knowledge, making them vulnerable to blind faith and blind obedience.
Li Shuang frequently encounters complaints from the elderly about making appointments for consultations via mobile phones. “They find it difficult to adapt to the changes brought by modern technology. Procedures such as examinations, collecting reports, and picking up medications in hospitals make them feel overwhelmed and disoriented. If they enter the hospital without their children, they feel dizzy.”
How to reduce “eating hardships for no reason” through intergenerational communication
Wang Dahua, a professor at the Psychology Department of Beijing Normal University, believes that when younger generations complain about their elders “eating hardships for no reason,” it stems from their concern and desire for their parents to enjoy life more. This requires promoting change through intergenerational communication.
Wang Dahua suggests distinguishing between behaviors of elderly people “eating hardships for no reason.” For behaviors that indeed harm their health, young people need to help their elders understand the reasoning behind preventing such actions. For instance, in cases where the elderly refuse to use the electric fan in hot weather based on misleading advice from so-called health experts about “avoiding cold temperatures,” young people need to provide them with multiple sources of information.
Wang Dahua points out that firsthand experiences (including failed experiences) are effective learning methods for people of all ages. To a certain extent, allowing parents to make mistakes is a way to encourage lifelong learning and cope with the challenges that come from their errors. “For behaviors that don’t threaten their lives, the elderly may not have experienced them before and may not easily believe what the younger generation tells them. Going through those experiences may teach them a lesson. This situation mainly challenges children to ensure they have fallback plans and provide their parents with care without hesitation.”
Some people listen to messages on their phones blindly but ignore advice from those around them, leading to distress. Wang Dahua believes that it is essential to establish well-structured parent-child relationships or effective communication methods. “When parents trust their children greatly, they are more willing to share their worries with them. There is a situation where children don’t understand where their parents’ concerns lie. For example, many parents don’t tell their children when they are uncomfortable or unwell; they would rather endure it than go to the hospital, mainly because they don’t want to burden their children.”
Wang Dahua also mentions the “oppositional” relationship between parents and children, where “parents want to control children, while children want to control parents, leading to no one listening to each other.” She emphasizes the need for smooth communication between generations to establish a good relationship first before conveying reasoning, rather than starting with arguments.
Tang Dan suggests that young people should not immediately dismiss the actions of elderly people and say things like: “You’re embarrassing me, your actions are pointless.” Instead, they should find ways to communicate and find solutions that both parties can accept. “Originally, parents were the authorities in the household, but gradually, the younger generation has taken on more authority. It is difficult for the elderly to accept this shift in family dynamics. In the process of competing for family authority, young people should not adopt the same authoritarian style as their parents did in the past.”
In terms of seeking medical treatment, Li Shuang believes that society needs to emphasize health education to ensure more people have a correct understanding of diseases. “Major short video platforms should clean up the ‘health accounts.’ Genuine medical professionals who publish informative content often have their posts deleted by moderators, while fraudsters thrive, circulating widely in the elderly’s social circles. This situation is rather absurd and helpless.”
(At the request of interviewees, Li Shuang, Chen Jie, and Yu Mao are pseudonyms)
