In June 2022, the World Health Organization released the “2022 World Mental Health Report.” “We are experiencing a global mental health crisis.” Globally, 970 million people suffer from mental (psychological) disorders, with anxiety disorders and depression accounting for 59.9% of global mental disorders, with 6.8% of people experiencing at least one episode of depression in their lifetime.
The macroeconomic growth rate is slowing, environmental frictions are constant, compounded by three years of mask impact, survival pressure and mental stress are becoming increasingly intense, and more and more ordinary people are experiencing low mood, decreased interest, and self-blame. The high-incidence groups for depression have gradually spread from teenagers, retired elderly, those living alone, to postpartum women, getting closer to the once young and carefree “us.”
Currently, China’s mental health literacy level is only 20%, and the incidence of anxiety, depression, and sleep disorders is still rapidly rising. Out of 100 Chinese people, at least 6 will experience an episode of depression. Depression is not simply the inability to feel happy, but rather a mood disorder that needs attention, caused by traumatic events, surrounding environments, and familial inheritance.
We live in an era of information overload, intense internal competition, experiencing accelerated aging, illness, loneliness, life and death separations, the exhaustion of seeking fame and fortune, the powerlessness in the face of adversity, the proliferation of survival pressures, and repeated bodily conditions. On the surface, life may seem good, with shiny exteriors, yet depressive emotions quietly accumulate, proliferating…
In the book “Mr. Toad Visits a Psychologist,” Mr. Toad is such a character – clearly a third-generation rich, living well, inheriting Toad Manor, having a good social standing, yet he still gets depressed. Luckily, he has caring and sincere friends – Mole, Water Rat, Badger – who help him find a counselor, Dr. Heron. After 10 counseling sessions, Mr. Toad is healed, overcoming depression, happily dining with his friends.
This book is for every ordinary person, for those living a routine life, like a map index guiding you to explore the inner world. When faced with sudden blows or accumulated negative emotions collapsing day after day, perhaps we will all, like Mr. Toad, feel melancholic, suddenly break down, and burst into tears… Opening this book is also a form of self-healing journey.
### Three Types of Self-Psychological States
This book explores Mr. Toad’s feelings of inferiority, weakness, and showiness, and the origins of his depressive emotions through 10 interactions, revealing the profound impact of childhood experiences on personality. It also explains how to truly mature psychologically, with analytical communication theories and therapies throughout the counseling.
Child self-state: Early experiences shape the prototype of personality, and the strongest emotions experienced in childhood inevitably become common feelings in adulthood.
Mr. Toad’s childhood featured a stern and upright father and a mother who was afraid of her husband and not very gentle to Mr. Toad. In Mr. Toad’s eyes, he did not receive much love from his parents, often criticized by them, only able to rely on and obey them. Even as an adult, he still retains this dependency emotional state, unable to become an independent individual.
Parent self-state: All values and moral judgments learned from parents manifest in adult behaviors.
Mr. Toad’s father is critical, angry, and strict, belonging to the critical type of parent. Mr. Toad has developed the personality traits of a critical parent, becoming his own self-judging judge, constantly self-criticizing. There is no criticism stronger than self-criticism, and no judge stricter than ourselves.
Adult self-state: The most ideal state of self-understanding one’s emotional world and being able to control it, no longer driven by parental voices in one’s mind or trapped by childhood emotions, but being able to cope with current situations rationally rather than emotionally.
As Mr. Toad’s depression improves, he no longer blames himself or others when he recalls the past but can observe, understand, and reflect. Dr. Heron attributes this to Mr. Toad’s improved self-insight and emotional intelligence, which one can only learn about oneself in adulthood.
### Breaking Out of the “Winning the Game, Losing Yourself” Mindset
How do I see myself? How do I see others?
The answers to these 2 questions extend to 4 dimensions of life coordinates.
The four dimensions of “life coordinates” are:
I’m good, you’re good
I’m good, you’re not good
You’re good, I’m not good
You’re not good, I’m not good
Dr. Heron guides Mr. Toad to recognize that “the key lies in life coordinates.” These attitudes and viewpoints adopted in childhood later become the underlying structure for existence, continuously proving oneself right. This long-term repeated behavior becomes a kind of gameplay.
The “I’m not good, you’re good” game: Through many counseling sessions, Mr. Toad has clearly seen that he belongs to the “I’m not good, you’re good” type, believing he is incompetent while others are better. Those who play this game will firmly believe they are unfortunate, always recounting a long list of unfortunate events, forgetting or neglecting the good times, leading to an increased chance of depression.
The PLOM game: PLOM represents 4 English words meaning “poor little me.” In this game, winning is also losing. Players revert to the helpless child they once were, consciously or unconsciously cooperating with the other person to make themselves unhappy, allowing the other party to take the lead, conspiring with them in this psychological game, and the loser in the game being the winner. Mr. Toad, through this method, portrays himself as a victim, repeatedly falling into similar situations, gaining a sense of familiarity from it. Staying in place, feeling helpless and small, winning the psychological game by hurting oneself – is it worthwhile?
The “I caught you, you villain” game: This game allows angry individuals to find seemingly justifiable reasons to rage, validating their “I’m good; you’re not good” life coordinates. In organizational settings, authorities easily imagine themselves as stern parents and treat employees as misbehaving children to punish. Rebuking and reprimanding subordinates, making a scene, shouting loudly, to prove others are incompetent and unreliable, making it their responsibility to criticize and punish others. Mr. Toad’s father was such a person, always superior while Mr. Toad felt worthless, engraining this pattern in Mr. Toad’s mind, leading to frequent feelings of inferiority or self-blame.
In several meetings between Mr. Toad and Dr. Heron, Dr. Heron uses life coordinates and psychological games to guide Mr. Toad to bravely express his true thoughts, helping him overcome the sadness and depression, face life, face himself, and develop detailed, scheduled, and actionable plans. His life moves towards the “I’m good; you’re good” life coordinates, breaking out of the mindset of “winning the game, losing yourself,” reconciling with himself, and everyone can emerge from depression, bid farewell to anxiety.
### Stop Struggling with the Self, Reconciliation is the Way Out
Studies show that many depressed individuals are self-punishers.
Can you stop self-criticism? Can you be kinder to yourself? Can you start loving yourself? Dr. Heron’s three questions to Mr. Toad are worth pondering.
No need to say, “I’m sorry to be human.” Psychologist Zeng Qifeng once said: “The biggest consumption by people does not come from intellectual or physical overexertion, nor from struggles with nature or peers, but from waging war against oneself.” In reality, when you stop self-criticism, the dark clouds above your head will dissipate, and you will feel the magical power of changing circumstances… Many times, our unhappiness stems from overly harsh self-blame; spare yourself, start by ceasing the struggle with yourself.
Take care of yourself – Even if ordinary, you are a limited edition. Perhaps you are going through pain and difficulties, do not be afraid. In reality, fate is not kind to anyone, and joy and sorrow are not exclusively prepared for you. Learn to take care of yourself: travel, read, chat with friends, plant flowers, visit the market, learn to cook… Each attempt broadens your horizons, seemingly useless hobbies can also enhance your capacity for acceptance. A new story about yourself unfolds; are those so-called troubles and worries still important? Take care of yourself, be kinder to yourself.
Positively distort reality. Life is already hard; feed yourself something sweet, not by pretending to not see the bad or unpleasant things, but by positively distorting reality, unconditionally being optimistic. It may be considered as escapism to some extent, but it brings positive impacts to you. After all, the more you progress, the more you discover the world’s dialectics. Since you are the master of your own consciousness, why hand yourself over to external circumstances? Why surrender to others? Every practice can be an opportunity to positively motivate yourself, love yourself, start with positively distorting reality.
We all yearn for a happy life; life is an unknown journey. Happiness may suddenly disappear one day, and the one who can help us is ourselves. Mr. Toad’s depressive clouds have dissipated, removing the biased lens and taking good care of himself, loving himself, stepping into the “I’m good; you’re good” life coordinates, breaking out of the “winning the game, losing yourself” mindset, reconciling with himself. Everyone can emerge from melancholy, bid farewell to anxiety.
Can you stop self-criticism? Can you be kinder to yourself? Can you start loving yourself?
May your resounding answer be “Yes!”
Live as a beacon, impacting lives with your life.
