01
In depression, headed towards despair
At the beginning of 2022, I was diagnosed with severe depression. My mother held my test results and cried loudly in the hospital corridor.
I just let her hold me, with no inner turmoil.
Actually, all of this was within my expectations.
Since entering high school, I have felt very tired.
Every day feels like an empty shell, dragging my tired body to classes, meals, and after-school activities…
The study atmosphere in high school oppressed me to the point of suffocation.
Back at home, I didn’t want to do anything, lying in bed, unable to sleep even late into the night.
At first, facing these sudden symptoms, I thought it was just due to academic stress.
To make myself feel better, I started to relieve academic pressure by playing games.
In the game, I started a relationship with a boy who was a game streamer.
To donate to him, I often asked my parents for more pocket money.
Initially, my parents would give it to me, but as I asked for more, my mother noticed something was wrong.
When I was asleep, she quietly opened my phone and discovered the truth.
My mother fiercely slapped me, confiscated my phone.
I couldn’t contact him anymore, so I started skipping classes, secretly going to internet cafes to communicate with him.
But I had no more money to donate to him.
He broke up with me.
After the breakup, I lived each day dazed.
I felt everyone hated me, everyone was mocking me, no one would like me, after all, I was a worthless person.
I wanted to die every day, standing on the high school building, wanting to jump off, but lacking the courage.
I tried to tell my parents about my situation, but none of them cared.
From birth, I was the least important child in the family, my sister excelled academically, my mother’s focus was all on my sister, my brother was a boy, so my father loved playing with my brother the most.
Being in the middle, I naturally became the neglected one.
To fit in with them, I started observing and pleasing everyone in the family from a young age.
Since my mom likes those who excel academically, I studied hard, always ranking in the top three in exams.
Since my father likes boys, I imitated my brother, learning drumming, basketball, rollerblading…
But trying to please others so hard is really exhausting, with no self-esteem at all.
Throughout my childhood, my emotions followed my father, mother, sister, brother, teachers, and classmates’ reactions.
It’s like my existence is just to highlight their worth.
Entering junior high school, I began experiencing a series of issues in my mental state, with abnormally low moods.
Without reason, I lost interest in everything, including the music, art, and books I used to love.
My guitar was left in the corner, colored pencils gathering dust, unfinished books left on the table indefinitely.
Almost every night I couldn’t sleep, and even if I did, I would wake up at three or four in the morning, lying there blankly waiting for dawn.
My academic performance also plummeted, moving from an advanced class to a regular class.
My mother asked me what was going on, but I didn’t dare say anything.
To get back into the advanced class, I studied like crazy, working like a machine every day, unable to stop.
When I couldn’t sleep at night, I would sneak my mother’s sleeping pills. This stealing went on for three years.
Fortunately, my efforts paid off, and during the high school entrance exam, I was admitted to a prestigious school with the fifth best score.
After entering high school, I began living on campus, with no chance to steal medicine anymore.
I started experiencing chronic insomnia.
In class, I couldn’t focus anymore, not even on my favorite subject, English.
I felt anxious every day, uncontrollably bouncing up and down from my chair.
Due to my declining grades, my homeroom teacher would scold me in the office every day.
Every time I left the office, I would break down in tears.
To the point that later, as soon as I entered the office, I would start feeling physically unwell, nauseous, headaches, chest tightness, shortness of breath, feeling like throwing up, and trembling hands when talking to the homeroom teacher…
Later, I couldn’t bear it anymore and told my mother about my situation, but she just thought it was a normal teenage fluctuation.
Helpless, I could only endure…
During that time, I felt like my life might end!
Occasionally, I accidentally hurt myself.
Looking at the slowly flowing blood, I felt a sense of satisfaction, the pain making me realize that I was really alive.
From that moment, I found a way to vent my feelings, and it got out of control.
I self-harmed frequently to relieve my emotions.
But the marks left by frequent self-harm were discovered by the homeroom teacher, who informed my mother.
Only then did my mother realize the seriousness of the problem and took me to the hospital for an examination.
On January 4, 2022, I was diagnosed.
My mother comforted me, “You’re just sick, you’ll get better.”
At that moment, I was unusually calm, feeling a weight lifted off my heart.
Following the doctor’s advice, my mother took a long break for me, and also took a long break to stay with me at home.
She cooked my favorite meals every day, watched my every move, and would occasionally say “I love you.”
But facing her deliberate attempts to please me, I felt repulsed, especially by that “I love you” phrase, which made me physically react, feeling nauseous.
From childhood to now, she has only loved my sister and brother, never really cared about my existence, so where does this love come from?
During that time, I felt my mother was extremely hypocritical.
One time, when my sister brought her boyfriend home, she criticized my mother for all her hard work at the dining table.
At that moment, my feeling of aversion peaked.
Ignoring everything, I flipped the dining table, broke down in a fit of rage, scolding my mother and father for their years of neglect towards me…
After scolding them, I ran out of the house like crazy.
At 2 a.m., my mother found me by the moat, looking at me in silence, while I just wanted to jump, but lacked the courage.
When I returned home, my sister left the house in anger, and my parents fell into despair.
02
I, who deeply love my parents, have truly suffered too much.
To help me overcome depression, my mother began seeking various methods.
Until one day, my mother found psychologist Wang Rong, who helped me and my family slowly discover the root of my depression.
1. Mother’s high expectations left me living in guilt and self-blame
My mother was born in the countryside and had to drop out of school at a young age to make money to support her uncle’s education.
She always viewed her life as incomplete because she didn’t go to college.
Therefore, she placed her expectations of “[she can create another kind of dream life]” on us.
My sister, as she wished, excelled in academics, special skills, and relationships.
However, I was mediocre, and in order to keep up with my sister, she always found ways to criticize me.
She often compared me to my sister, reproaching me for not trying hard enough.
To cater to my mother, I exerted all my efforts to compel myself to study hard.
However, even with all my efforts, I could never meet my mother’s expectations.
Intense guilt and self-blame, these negative emotions, have tormented me.
The endless self-exhaustion made me unknowingly “abuse” myself year after year.
Many times, I felt like a failure, believing that no one in this world liked me.
My existence and my life had no meaning at all.
2. Parental criticisms made me feel inferior and overly sensitive
My parents have always enjoyed criticizing me.
When my grades weren’t good, they would call me a “dim-witted pig”;
If my grades were good, they would dismiss it as “just superficial effort.”
Always focusing on my weaknesses, they would incessantly nag at me.
Even over trivial matters, they would escalate the situation to significant levels, criticizing and reproaching me.
I remember once when I got a bad haircut, I tried to fix it myself at home.
My mother then started belittling me, saying:
“Why didn’t you communicate your requirements to the barber? You’re so stupid, can’t even manage a haircut properly. I guess you won’t be able to accomplish anything in the future?”
I felt extremely wronged at the time, but I couldn’t express it.
My mother’s criticisms plunged me into self-doubt and self-denial, making me sensitive, inferior, weak, and suspicious.
In daily life, I was afraid of interacting with others, a single word, a glance, or even a small gesture from someone could break through my fragile psychological defense, plunging me into intense fear instantly.
For instance, when I bought a new pair of shoes, if a classmate glanced at them, I would feel like they found my shoes ugly;
When others talked about someone else in a disdainful tone, even if it had nothing to do with me, I felt as if they were talking about me.
Even when someone didn’t do anything, I would imagine and convince myself that the whole world was hating me…
During the long years, these negative emotions and thoughts acted like a knife, torturing me repeatedly.
Loving oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Identifying the root of the problem, with the intervention of psychologist Wang Rong, me and my family slowly uncovered the reasons behind my depression.
1. Forgiving parents and self-acceptance
I asked Wang Rong, “Why do my parents treat me like this? I did my best, still, they’re unsatisfied, criticizing me, neglecting me, failing to see any of my strengths?”
Wang Rong replied:
Each generation has its limits, your parents couldn’t manage many things while running a household, hence they were imperfect.
It’s not that they don’t love you, they’re just expressing their love for you in the way they think is the most caring.
I was confused, “What is the way they love me?”
Wang Rong answered:
In their views, they may want to make you stronger and more independent through strict expectations and constant urging to ensure you have a perfect life.
There are no perfect individuals or lives in this world. As children, we shouldn’t only see our parents’ shortcomings but overlook their strengths.
True maturity is being able to see the strengths in others.
Recalling the past, my mother always held our family together with her hands.
After falling ill, they cared for me day and night, exhausting themselves for my sake.
Even today, they are still learning how to communicate with me, how to effectively love me.
Watching my parents striving for me every day, I let go of my obsessions.
Now, I’m slowly breaking free from the old patterns of childhood, welcoming a better version of myself.
2. Genuine growth is learning to love oneself
I have always had low self-esteem, feeling sensitive, doubtful, inferior, and excessively eager to please others.
I asked Wang Rong, “I have no strengths at all, if I stop trying to please others, will everyone dislike me?”
She answered in surprise:
Why do you say that about yourself? Do you know how I see you?
Kind, brave, sincere, intelligent, beautiful, with great insight.
You are just facing some problems in your growth right now, which is quite normal.
All you need to do is to recognize your strengths, adjust your mindset, and become a better version of yourself.
I suddenly realized that I am worthy of affirmation, appreciation, and acceptance.
I no longer engage in mental self-destruction or seek validation, discarding the label of perfection and starting to live for myself.
Following the methods taught by Wang Rong, every day, I ask myself, “Do you like yourself now?”
If yes, give yourself a hug or a thank you.
If not, let go of everything, make yourself happy first, be someone you like.
Gradually, I learned self-acceptance.
Simply put, it’s about embracing and accommodating oneself.
Not being proud of one’s strengths, talents, and achievements. Nor feeling inferior due to shortcomings or failures.
Allowing, accepting, and embracing oneself, cultivating the strength to be oneself internally.
With Wang Rong’s support, I regained my interests and hobbies.
I play the piano for myself every day, buy pencils and paints, practice imitating my favorite paintings, read psychological books…
Gradually, I stopped self-attacking, and my mind has become much calmer. Most times, I can control my negative emotions even without medication.
Even if I didn’t go to school, I no longer worry about falling behind in the curriculum.
As Wang Rong said:
“We must first learn to tell ourselves, it’s okay, allow yourself to be in any state.
Only when we learn to love ourselves can we truly love the world.”
