Text | Xian Xian
In a marriage, it is difficult to determine who is right or wrong when there is disharmony, as everyone has the right to their desires, and likewise, everyone also has the right to refuse.
You want it, but I don’t want it, and with neither side understanding how to compromise, conflicts naturally arise between spouses.
However, do men and women really have no interest in their partners? I actually believe that is not the case. Many sexless marriages do not arise from a lack of interest in the partner, but rather due to life’s pressures. To solve a problem, one must identify the root cause; only by pinpointing the issue can appropriate remedies be found.
Sun Jian is 33 years old and has been married to his wife Tong Wei for seven years since they started dating. They have two lovely children and are living and working in a fourth-tier city, both with stable jobs. In theory, they should be enjoying a happier life than most, but in reality, it is not the case.
The couple has almost no worries or pressures in terms of material needs; the only difficult subject is that their married life is very unsatisfactory. In Sun Jian’s eyes, their current life is not much different from a sexless marriage.
Actually, the first two years after their marriage were relatively normal, with intimate moments occurring about twice a week. However, after the birth of their second child last year, Sun Jian noticed a drastic decline in Tong Wei’s interest in their married life, and she became very indifferent. Over the past year, they’ve had intimate moments together fewer than ten times, which has greatly upset Sun Jian.
For Sun Jian, being in his prime, he longs for the passionate married life they used to enjoy, but even those limited moments are hard to replicate. Several times, just as they were beginning, his wife urged him to hurry up and even played on her phone, leaving Sun Jian feeling unfulfilled and helpless.
Recently, during the Qixi Festival, Sun Jian wanted to create a romantic atmosphere for Tong Wei. He soon bought her the cosmetics and designer handbag she had always wanted, and booked a very charming western restaurant. They both had some red wine, creating just the right ambiance which made Sun Jian feel that their intimacy that evening would surely go well.
However, even after being tipsy, Tong Wei still refused to be intimate with him when they returned home. At that moment, Sun Jian was extremely frustrated and confused, unsure whether they were still husband and wife. In anger, he went straight to the study to sleep, with his wife promising to make it up to him later.
However, when Sun Jian wanted to be intimate again, Tong Wei mentioned that her period had just started and asked to wait a few days. After a few days, she said her period had just ended, claiming that there was always an excuse not to, which made Sun Jian unable to bear it anymore, prompting him to find an opportunity to discuss it seriously with Tong Wei.
Sun Jian felt that there was definitely an issue with their situation, which was akin to a sexless marriage, detrimental to their relationship. However, Tong Wei did not agree, stating, “Didn’t we have at least one instance in a month?” and even mentioned that her colleagues mostly experience the same, with some even having less frequency than they do.
This made Sun Jian feel extremely helpless and speechless. He even doubted whether his wife had another man outside, but after checking and finding nothing during phone searches, he dismissed the possibility as his wife maintains a very regular and clean lifestyle without any inappropriate contacts with other men.
This further intensified Sun Jian’s distress; sometimes, he really thought about finding a woman outside to relieve himself, but he always felt that this was wrong. Thus, he often relied on traditional means to cope. After relieving himself, he felt very empty and wondered why he still had to depend on himself even after getting married.
Sun Jian had also searched online, finding that it is very normal for people in their thirties to be intimate twice a week, but currently, they only manage to have less than once a month. Considering this, he thought about divorce but is still hesitating.
Sexless marriages are increasingly common today, just as Tong Wei mentioned, many office workers live such lives, which is quite common. However, just because it is common does not mean it is normal.
