Many women discover a huge change after entering marriage. The man who used to make them infatuated and could satisfy all their fantasies seems to have turned into someone else; they just can’t stand to look at him.
They are not just annoyed by their partner’s big belly, or that they do nothing but eat every day; they also can’t tolerate that he can’t do anything right, can’t take care of the kids, or can’t cook properly. Sometimes they find him selfish and self-centered, only caring about satisfying his own needs, and other times they are irritated by his paternalistic attitude, doing nothing while still pointing fingers…
Why do women often find their partners intolerable after marriage? Many people must have this question in mind.
One of the reasons for this is that the way a man behaves while pursuing a woman and after marriage is often very different.
Before marriage, they care about their image, actively lose weight and exercise, are emotionally stable, available at any time, attentive and considerate, hardworking and sensible. But once they have the marriage certificate, they lose the motivation to keep up the good behavior because no one would casually get divorced, so they reveal their true selves.
What many people fail to notice is that finding a partner intolerable may also mean that we are projecting our own issues onto them.
Projection is a term in psychology that refers to the process where if we have behaviors or traits that we don’t fully accept in ourselves, we imagine and place them onto others, empathizing to ease our inner pain.
For example, when we see our partner lounging on the sofa, playing on their phone, we can’t help but think they are “selfish and lazy.” In reality, it’s that we can’t accept our own selfishness and laziness, so we use such terms to describe our partner, thereby criticizing and finding them intolerable to show that we are hardworking and considerate of others.
However, true human nature is never just good or bad. A person can be selfish at times, but can also be generous; they can work hard sometimes, but want to rest at other times.
If we cannot expand our understanding of human nature, we will impose many harsh judgments on our partners without realizing that it is our projection at play.
So, when we find our partner intolerable, what can we do to overcome this projection?
01
Listen to your inner voice
A few days ago, I had a visitor whose confusion stemmed from her constant inability to tolerate her husband. She wasn’t sure whether the issue was with her husband or herself.
I suggested she not think about who has more problems, but rather when she next finds her husband disagreeable, to first listen to her own inner voice and see what her heart truly wants to say.
A few days later, I received feedback from this visitor. She mentioned that she found her husband incredibly stingy; every time she asked him to buy something, he would always be so tight-fisted.
Once, when she and her husband went out to eat, when it was time to settle the bill, her husband attempted to sneak away, leaving her to pay alone, and she immediately felt that familiar annoyance rise again.
This visitor remembered my advice and, before criticizing her husband, took a moment to calm herself down and carefully listened to her inner voice. She suddenly realized what she truly wanted to express: “Why is it that you can be so stingy and selfish, while I have to pretend to be generous?”
She couldn’t help but think back to her childhood when, as the eldest sister in the family, she was always pressured by her parents to be generous and accommodating to her younger siblings.
Whenever there was something delicious at home, she had to share it with her siblings first; when there was something fun, she had to let her siblings play with it first. Once, a friend gifted her a beautiful doll, and when her sister saw it, she insisted on having it. Even though she was extremely reluctant, her parents forced her to give it to her sister.
Gradually, she became generous, magnanimous, and responsible, and after getting married, she contributed most of her salary to household expenses,
