The student, Lan Yu, said to me: “Teacher, I’m really not happy. I found out that my boyfriend is a master of disguise; he appears charming and charismatic in front of others, with high emotional intelligence and sweet words, always providing just the right amount of tenderness. But when I’m unhappy, he pretends not to see it. He even mocks me and ridicules me sometimes. I sometimes wonder, how can a person be so different in public and in private? Last time it was his birthday, I prepared a feast for him. After he came home, he took a bite of the food and silently said, ‘This isn’t tasty, don’t make it again.’ Looking at his gloomy face, I felt like I hardly knew him.”
A man who can only socialize with charm and emotional intelligence when at work indicates that his warmth isn’t innate; he is a typical example of someone who has been battered by society and forced to develop high emotional intelligence.
However, he has sharp edges within, even having a proud side to his personality, knowing that his high emotional intelligence and charm are things that make him unhappy. Thus, he cannot effectively complete the process of psychological self-consistency. Therefore, the conflicts within him have no outlet.
However, in front of those close to him, he always reveals his weaknesses. So, he will vent his inner conflicts towards his parents, siblings, and loved ones.
This sounds contradictory, but it is because he cares about you that he will unabashedly show his vulnerable and inconsistent side in front of you.
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If you don’t want to break up with him, you need to make him aware of the following things:
First thing: You are sad because of the way he treats you. You do not accept his outbursts unconditionally like his parents do.
Second thing: You might want to reflect on your own attitude towards him. If you are with him because of his tenderness and thoughtfulness, then consider whether you expect him to offer emotional value while you aren’t putting in the same emotional effort. Or did you get together with him solely for his tenderness? In reality, are you treating him that way?
If you are gentle, considerate, and can provide emotional value to him, then you should make him realize that there is a disparity in each other’s attitudes.
Next, you can tell him what attitude you hope he will have towards you.
I’m not suggesting that you directly command him or force him to be more tender to you. Rather, you need to lead by example and teach him how to treat those close to him with gentleness.
For instance, when it was his birthday, you prepared a feast. After he took a bite and said it was not good, he even told you not to bother in the future.
I know hearing this would make you unhappy, so you can say to him: “But I spent effort making you this meal just to make you happy. Perhaps my way of showing it was wrong, but I hope you know that I love you.”
Such words will prompt him to reflect on his attitude and tone towards you. You might also say to him: “Actually, I really need some recognition from you. Because I care a lot about you, your thoughts are important to me. Your positive feedback can make me happy all day. Similarly, your cold response can leave me feeling lost in this relationship.”
The key to this technique is, if you feel he lacks emotional intelligence when interacting with you, then elevate your emotional intelligence first, and then guide him to treat you in the way you hope for.
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Third thing: If a person’s personality cannot achieve self-consistency, and there are conflicts in their psychological logic, then you must help them find the correct outlet for their emotions or assist them in achieving self-consistency.
For example, in the case of Lan Yu’s boyfriend, he is inherently reserved and does not enjoy being socially adept, yet he has deliberately trained himself to be a social person. Therefore, Lan Yu should help him find a path within his psychological conflict that allows him to accept himself. This way, not only will it solve his internal psychological problems, but it will also elevate Lan Yu’s status in his eyes.
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