I never expected that my 14-year-old daughter would actually suffer from severe depression.
My daughter has always been obedient and good at studying since she was young, always being the pride of our family.
However, fate is unfair, as depression seems to have turned my daughter into a different person.
Now, she often argues with me, saying that the life we provide is not what she wants.
She frequently cries, saying her world is colorless, even losing interest in her favorite celebrities.
One moment she remembers something, the next moment she forgets, unable to focus on reading or memorizing, seeming unable to keep up.
Most worrying is her mentioning death often, saying life is meaningless.
Initially, we thought she was just trying to scare us.
But one time, she secretly collected all the leftover medicine at home, mixed it all together, and swallowed it all at once, which terrified me.
Every time I see her talking about life and death, my heart trembles with worry, not knowing what to do.
â–³Child talks about death, lack of interest, mother feels anxious
01
From a top student to severe depression
Before her depression, my daughter had excellent grades, always in the top five in the class, and even the class monitor.
Relatives and friends envied us, seeing what an outstanding daughter I had.
But from the eighth grade, my daughter began to show signs of distress.
After school, she always looked unhappy, unwilling to talk about it and seemed confused.
Once, her grades dropped by ten places in an exam, the teacher told me she lacked focus and seemed distracted in class.
I was furious because even when her grades were low before, she never fell out of the top five, but this time she regressed significantly, which I thought was due to her lack of effort and laziness.
For several days, I did not show her kindness, constantly pressuring and urging her:
“What’s wrong with you lately? Why are you declining in your studies?”
“With your current grades, forget about getting into a top high school!”
“If you mess up again next time, you’ll have to take extra classes to improve your grades!”
At first, my daughter just listened with her head down, but when I pushed her further, she started crying, complaining about feeling tired and miserable every day.
I thought she was just making excuses and stubbornly said:
“Are you looking for excuses? The pressure of studying is inevitable, but others can persevere, why can’t you?”
“Have you been using your phone too much and not focusing on your studies?”
What surprised me was that my usually obedient and sensible daughter suddenly yelled at me:
“You’re so capable, why don’t you go and get the highest grades! You’re always pushing me, will you only be satisfied if I die?”
With that, she grabbed a cushion from the sofa and threw it at me before running back to her room.
I stood there stunned for three seconds, feeling both angry and chilled afterward.
I’ve worked so hard for this family, raised her with all my effort, and this is how she repays me?
The next morning, my daughter suddenly came into my room, waking me up, and said:
“Mom, why am I still alive?”
That statement shook me awake.
After persistent questioning, I found out that my daughter had secretly collected some leftover pills at home, mixed and swallowed them to attempt suicide.
Knowing the reason, my legs went weak, but I managed to take her to the hospital and inform her father.
Fortunately, the medicines she took did not react adversely and were not poisonous, so she was not at risk of illness.
However, her attempted suicide left me haunted. Following a friend’s advice, I took her to see a psychologist.
After a series of inquiries and tests, the doctor solemnly informed me that my daughter indeed had psychological issues, preliminarily diagnosed with severe depression.
The doctor’s words felt like a thunderbolt; I couldn’t believe it. How could such a good child have depression, let alone severe ones?
After my daughter was diagnosed with depression, my days have been agonizing.
There are times when I inadvertently say the wrong things, and she gets mad.
She often describes herself as worthless, life as meaningless, even threatening me that if I force her to go to school again, she’ll show me she is willing to die.
I’m genuinely worried she might do something foolish again. So, I decided to approach the school to request a temporary leave for her.
Just the thought of her pausing her studies makes me anxious and worried, fearing it might be detrimental to her.
I often cry silently at night, wondering when this torment will end.
All I want is for my daughter to get better; I’m willing to do anything as long as she improves.
02
The roots and reflection of the daughter’s depressive aversion to studying
To understand why my daughter was depressed and averse to studying, as well as what I should do for her after her leave, I signed up for online psychological counseling.
After learning, I realized:
Our high expectations and long-term emotional neglect have led to my daughter’s self-distortion and even extreme thoughts.
Expectations can be a double-edged sword, motivating my daughter to move forward or becoming the last straw that breaks her spirit.
Since childhood, I’ve told her:
“Dad and I work so hard just so you can go to a good college, find a good job, and make us proud.”
“All our efforts now are for a better life in the future.”
In addition to our high expectations, my daughter, as a class monitor and top student, also carried expectations from teachers and even classmates.
These expectations were like an invisible mountain, making her feel suffocated.
Every minor fluctuation in her grades felt like a massive denial of her self-worth to her, rather than a necessary stage of growth.
â–³Teachers guide parents
While pursuing academic achievements, we also overlooked my daughter’s emotional needs.
She longed for understanding and care, not to be treated merely as a study machine.
Whenever she expressed exhaustion and pain, I failed to provide enough emotional support, responding with blame and pressure, always saying:
“If you don’t study well now, what will you do in the future? Do you want to be a failure for the rest of your life?”
This long-term pressure and neglect made her begin to doubt her self-worth.
She felt that only by achieving perfect academic results could she gain our approval and love.
This distorted belief made her more prone to despair when facing setbacks, even leading to extreme thoughts of suicide.
03
Stay calm and help my daughter overcome depression
Given the current situation, how can I help my daughter overcome depression, regain motivation for life and studies?
The psychologist gave me 3 simple yet practical methods.
She guided me on what to do step by step, providing specific language guidance and communication tips to avoid pitfalls.
1. Accepting my daughter’s current depressive state, avoiding excessive blame or criticism, providing her with unconditional support and love to show understanding and tolerance from the family:
â‘ Express understanding:
Tell my daughter gently and firmly:
“I understand that you’re feeling really sad right now, it’s not your fault, we are all here to support you.”
Let her feel the family’s understanding and acceptance.
â‘¡ Avoid blaming:
Maintain patience even when faced with her possible withdrawal or emotional outbursts, avoid using critical or blaming language.
Avoid statements like:
“How could you do this?” or “You should be stronger.”
â‘¢ Show affection:
Convey love and care through physical contact (such as hugs), verbal expressions (like “I love you no matter what”), and practical actions (such as preparing her favorite food).
â–³Child accepts mother’s embrace, shows fewer temper outbursts
When my daughter first fell ill, my heart was filled with pain and anxiety.
One of my biggest struggles was accepting the reality; I couldn’t believe my daughter had depression.
Another issue that plagued me was the uncertainty about my daughter’s future after her break from school, unsure what she would become.
Now, I’m trying to relax, as well as help my child relax.
As long as she is not feeling physically uncomfortable and not doing anything to harm herself, she can do as she pleases.
I am patiently waiting for the moment her emotions open up; perhaps everything will become clearer and improve.
Since I need to work and can’t be with her all the time, I call her whenever I have free time and give her a warm hug when I come back home every day.
Now, she enjoys being hugged by me and has fewer temper outbursts.
2. Creating a safe, non-judgmental environment, patiently listening to my daughter’s thoughts and feelings, using empathy to understand her pain, avoiding interrupting or belittling her emotional expressions:
â‘ Focus on listening:
Give my daughter ample time and space to express her thoughts and feelings without interruption, simply listening quietly.
Express seriousness in listening through gestures like nodding or eye contact.
â‘¡ Respond with empathy:
“It sounds like you’re really in a lot of pain right now, if I were you, I might feel the same way.”
Use such sentences to show empathy.
â‘¢ Avoid judgment:
Avoid giving advice or solutions hastily, let alone judging her emotions, such as:
“What’s so sad about this?” or “You should do this…”
â‘£ Ask open-ended questions:
Encourage her to share more deeply with open-ended questions like:
“What do you find most troubling?” or “What can you do to make yourself feel better?”
â–³Child talks about wanting to climb Mount Tai, sticks to daily exercise, learns to cook
During a conversation, my daughter expressed her desire to climb Mount Tai, explaining that someone told her that climbing it symbolizes facing any difficulties.
When asked about her plans for the next day, she said losing weight was crucial to her now.
I advised her that she still needed to eat but that exercising for weight loss was the healthiest option.
For the following week, she consistently did aerobics, and I kept encouraging her to persist.
Now, my daughter exercises daily, doing workout routines. Upon returning from work, she even insists we exercise together.
One lunchtime, she cooked two dishes herself and sent me photos of them.
I was delighted to see her engaging in activities, a sign of her improvement.
3. Reassessing expectations for my daughter, avoiding excessive pressure, encouraging her to gradually recover academically and in life at her own pace and style:
â‘ Lower expectations:
Recognize that my daughter is currently going through a tough period, requiring more time and support for recovery.
Therefore, temporarily lower expectations for her academics, social life, etc.
â‘¡ Encourage self-pace:
Tell my daughter, “You don’t need to rush back to your previous state; take it slow according to your own pace.”
Let her feel respected and understood.
â‘¢ Set small goals:
Together with her, create practical, achievable small goals.
For example, a 10-minute walk daily, completing simple household chores, to gradually help her rebuild confidence and motivation.
â‘£ Celebrate progress:
Whenever my daughter makes even a slight improvement, provide prompt affirmation and encouragement, letting her feel a sense of achievement and joy.
â–³Child going out to help mother, setting goals to save money for a bike
My daughter is now willing to go out, even helping out at my store, from initially staying briefly to now able to stay a whole day.
I told her it’s like working at the store, and that I’d pay her a salary, which she is interested in.
She’s saving money to buy a bike, having a personal goal now, and I keep encouraging her.
My daughter’s emotions have improved a lot from the beginning; during the last visit to the doctor, the doctor mentioned her condition has improved, advising her to continue medication.
The doctor also encouraged her to review her textbooks in a while.
My daughter says she is preparing slowly to return to school.
Now, my daughter studies for three hours each day and maintains regular exercise.
Seeing my daughter slowly getting better, I am overwhelmed with joy.
Now, I am no longer anxious; I know it’s a long-term commitment that requires persistence.
We love her very much, and looking back, as long as my daughter is healthy, there’s nothing we cannot overcome.
Whether it’s societal pressure or any other difficulties, we will stand by our daughter and face them together.
We will care for her like we would a little baby, soothe her inner pain, make up for the love we couldn’t provide over these years.
We will be more patient, more confident, help our daughter overcome this challenge and restart her life journey.
