Author: Warmheart
Original: Satiya Parenting (ID: satiryuer)
There is a hot topic on Weibo: Why are there so many depressed children?
According to the “2022 National Depression Blue Book” data:
Depressed patients under 18 years old account for 30% of the total population, and the depression rate of adolescents has reached 15%-20%.
A psychological expert commented on this issue:
The depression of today’s teenagers is not simply “being unhappy or not wanting to go to school,” most of the time it is due to parent-child relationships.
The parent’s pressure on the child is too great; there is too little care for the child; and the child’s feelings are often overlooked.
These behaviors, accumulated over time, are the root causes of children’s depression.
In fact, the child’s problems do not suddenly erupt; in their language, they have been constantly “reminding” parents to pay attention.
Especially these four sentences are actually the child’s way of “seeking help,” but many parents fail to understand.
“I can’t do anything right”
It means “I feel helpless.”
Recently, I went to a friend’s house and saw her daughter feeling down.
When asked why, she explained: her exam grades dropped, and she was criticized by the teacher.
After consoling her for a while, she didn’t take it in at all, she still said: I feel stupid, I feel like I can’t do anything right.
After listening, the friend scolded her daughter again, saying she “can’t do anything, the study is poor,” which made the daughter retreat to her room.
At that moment, the friend just sighed, “This child is too fragile, can’t say anything.”
It is likely that many parents, upon hearing their child say “I can’t do anything right,” would initially ignore it.
However, this statement is not simply an emotional expression; the implicit message is “I feel helpless.”
In psychology, there is a concept called “learned helplessness”:
When a child is constantly faced with setbacks and feels unable to change anything, they start to feel powerless in everything, lose confidence, and fall into a state of helplessness.
If parents often say:
“Why are you so stupid?”
“If you can’t do this, what can you do?”
…
…
When children hear this frequently, they start to doubt, “Am I really incapable? What should I do?”
Subsequently, the child develops a negative self-image, thinking “I can’t do it, I can’t do anything right, I’m not as good as others,” and becomes increasingly pessimistic.
Actually, letting children taste victory and success can help them shed the burden of “I can’t.”
A user on Zhihu said: In the first year of middle school, my grades were poor, I often ranked last in exams. At the time, I thought I was stupid and couldn’t learn anything.
When his father noticed, he told him to throw away the supplementary books and said:
“These questions are too difficult, if you can’t do them, you will feel worse, and won’t persist for long.”
Later, the father did the daily textbook exercises with him, and deliberately chose some easy ones to make a bet with him: If he could answer all correctly within the set time, he would buy him a model airplane he had wanted for a long time.
The first time, he got two questions wrong, but to cheer him up, the father still bought him the airplane model.
From then on, each time the father would choose very simple questions for him to answer.
At one point, he asked his father why he didn’t give him harder questions, and the father said: From easy to hard, you will definitely improve over time.
Later, he became more interested in studying.
He was very grateful to his father and said:
When I lack confidence, doing something that I can easily accomplish will boost my self-confidence.
When we notice a child has feelings of inferiority, we need to give them a sense of achievement, let them know they have the ability, value, and are not inferior to others.
“Forget it, whatever…”
It actually means “I’m afraid of rejection”
There is a group of children who often say such things in daily life:
“Forget it, you won’t listen to anything I say.”
“Everything I do is wrong.”
“You can decide everything, why bother asking me.”…
…
Children often use the phrase “forget it” on their lips.
Actually, these two words represent a “form of resistance when expectations are not met,” but behind it is “fear and fear of rejection.”
Once, the son made arrangements to go to an amusement park with his father the next day.
But the next day, the father broke the commitment, and the son felt unhappy for a week.
Throughout that week, whatever the father said, the son ignored him.
Later, whenever the father wanted to accompany him, the son would say, “Forget it, I won’t believe what you say anymore.”
In a different context, this statement can be interpreted as “Can I really believe what you say?”
Children will be cautious in all aspects once they experience rejection, lack of trust, and being sidelined.
Psychologically speaking, this is a form of rebelliousness resulting from “neglect of needs.”
Children are most likely to exhibit two types of behaviors:
On one hand, due to compromise, they lack initiative, self-decision-making abilities, leading to a suppressed and self-abasing life.
On the other hand, the more you forbid me to do something, the more I want to do it, creating a situation of self-sabotage.
Parents should understand the hidden implications behind the children’s use of “forget it”:
The implication of “You won’t listen” is actually “I hope you will”;
The statement “Forget it, I can’t make decisions” actually means “I want to make my decisions.”
Children hope that parents can see and respect them for who they are, rather than making decisions on their behalf.
An educational scholar once said:
“Allowing freedom to try, fail, and do better within a certain range is the best way for children to learn to do things on their own. Perfectionism is not only the enemy of beauty but also the enemy of growth.”
“Allowing freedom to try, fail, and do better within a certain range is the best way for children to learn to do things on their own. Perfectionism is not only the enemy of beauty but also the enemy of growth.”
Children grow and improve through trial and error, through continuous attempts. Parents should focus on providing opportunities rather than imposing absolute control.
By recognizing children’s real needs behind their use of “forget it” and making reasonable changes, parents can alleviate children’s fears and suppression from within.
“None of your business”
The implied message is “I need freedom”
I once saw a video where:
The mother walked in, saw her son lying down playing on his phone, and started complaining:
“Playing on your phone again, don’t you know how to tidy up your room, clothes are everywhere.”
After complaining for a while, the son didn’t respond, which made her angry:
“I asked you to clean up, I’m not your maid, always doing things for you.”
The child also got annoyed, saying, “Then stop doing things for me, I’ll do whatever I want, none of your business.”
Behind the boy’s statement “None of your business,” I sensed more of a plea to “stop interfering in my life.”
During a child’s growth, they will have a psychological characteristic of acting according to their own will.
When children say “none of your business,” it is not a deliberate challenge to the parents but an expression of protecting their personal boundaries.
Some psychologists propose that children go through two phases of “separation-individuation”:
The first phase: From birth to the toddler years of about 2, children transition from being in symbiosis with the mother to separating from the mother, developing their own “self” concept.
The second phase: During adolescence, children interact with the external environment and others, seeking to form their beliefs and values, developing psychological autonomy to become independent individuals.
Many parents do not provide children with this opportunity, instead trying to control and change the child’s thoughts and behaviors.
This kind of restraint gives the children a sense of suffocation.
So, when a child says “none of your business,” parents should ask themselves:
Am I not respecting him enough? Am I pushing him too hard?
Am I not respecting him enough? Am I pushing him too hard?
Parents need to maintain “boundaries” with their children: behavioral boundaries and psychological boundaries.
Parents should not interfere with everything their child does; as long as the principles are not violated, they should act as observers—this is behavioral boundaries.
Allow children the right to keep their secrets; they can choose to tell their parents or keep it hidden.
When children can clearly express their thoughts and desires, parents also need to “not cross the line.”
Respect the child’s personality; respect their privacy; let them make some decisions.
Only when parents see this can they prevent being clouded by temporary anger and blindly blaming their children.
“Everything is my fault”
It actually means “I want to please you”
A teacher once shared a student’s case.
In the class, there was a child who was usually quiet, had few friends, and was doing poorly academically.
Once, he brought his parents to talk, but the mother publicly criticized him in front of all the teachers at the office.
The boy lowered his head and said, “It’s all my fault, I shouldn’t have done this,” then listened quietly without making a fuss.
Later, it was discovered that the root cause lay with his parents.
The parents often quarreled, and sometimes, when they were in a bad mood due to fighting, they would vent their frustrations on him for no reason, scolding and hitting him.
Every time the mother argued, she would say: It’s all your fault, if it weren’t for you, I would have left long ago.
Renowned American psychologist Beverly Engel found in the field of childhood and adult trauma research:
Children subconsciously wish to have control over everything, and once a child is harmed and unable to protect themselves, feelings of humiliation and shame arise.
Their first reaction is to “admit fault to reduce self-harm.”
Children subconsciously wish to have control over everything, and once a child is harmed and unable to protect themselves, feelings of humiliation and shame arise.
Their first reaction is to “admit fault to reduce self-harm.”
Essentially, children who are used to saying “everything is my fault” are mostly seeking to please others.
Once this kind of thinking becomes habitual, they tend to attribute all the negatives to themselves, incorporating a sense of pleasing and being cautious, attempting to gain others’ favor by taking the blame.
One Weibo user, discussing “how much lack of love is demonstrated by a pleasing personality,” said:
I have become accustomed to admitting fault.
From childhood to adulthood, the most common thing I heard was “it’s all your fault.”
I have become accustomed to admitting fault.
From childhood to adulthood, the most common thing I heard was “it’s all your fault.”
She said: It seems like her mother has always had complaints about her since childhood.
When dad didn’t come home, it was her fault for not being pleasing;
If she didn’t do well in exams, it was her fault for being playful;
If her parents quarreled, she was also blamed for not helping.
When confronted with frequent accusations, children are most likely to say “everything is my fault” in the face of conflict.
Children who are often criticized are the most likely to say “everything is my fault” in the face of conflict.
Because these children have an extreme need for warmth and appreciation; they will sacrifice themselves to please others in hopes of gaining attention and approval.
Parents must remember: never force a child to admit fault, but rather “acknowledge more, blame less.”
When overwhelmed by emotions, differentiate between right and wrong, and never force the child to accept your opinions.
The pain of adolescent children comes from the words and actions of classmates and teachers, but ultimately, parents are the children’s “companions” and “healers”:
When children are surrounded by negative energy, parental affirmation is the driving force for children to feel valued;
When children are trapped in stubborn rebellion, parents should learn to “let go” and give expectations to children;
When children constantly rebel against their parents’ words and actions, parents must learn to respect them and provide care;
Never blindly blame children, otherwise, the love-deprived child will spend their whole life searching for it.
When children are surrounded by negative energy, parental affirmation is the driving force for children to feel valued;
When children are trapped in stubborn rebellion, parents should learn to “let go” and give expectations to children;
When children constantly rebel against their parents’ words and actions, parents must learn to respect them and provide care;
Never blindly blame children, otherwise, the love-deprived child will spend their whole life searching for it.
Before children reach adulthood, parents should establish a good parent-child relationship with them to avoid many problems.
From the moment a child is born, parents should always look after them, allowing them to live a fulfilling life.
Original post platform: Satiya Parenting (ID: satiryuer), spreading practical psychology such as Satiya, NLP, hypnosis, family planning, NLP coaching techniques, intimate relationships, etc., meeting with masters, allowing psychology to quickly change your life, reprints are limited to WeChat public platforms, please contact for authorization.
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