Medical Guidance: Professor Li Yan, Director of the Psychological Sleep Department at the Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine
On a certain Wednesday morning, the sky outside the clinic was gloomy, and Xiao Qian, who was consulting inside the clinic, said, “Doctor, I only feel a sense of control over myself when I hurt myself. In the past, I was controlled by my mother, and now I am driven by my studies. Only at late night do I feel like I am living for myself, and staying up late is my own time…”
After inquiring, the doctor learned that Xiao Qian’s mother is a typical “controlling” parent, and Xiao Qian uses rebellion and self-harm to cope with her mother’s control.
What are “controlling” parents? What causes a child’s rebellion?
Characteristics of controlling parents
1. Excessive intervention: Controlling parents tend to interfere too much in their child’s life, such as deciding on the child’s interests, friendships, and daily schedules.
2. High expectations: They have high expectations for their children, often hoping for perfection or exceeding their expectations, such as having high demands on their children’s grades and work.
3. Lack of respect: Controlling parents may disregard their child’s personal boundaries and privacy, not allowing the child to have independent space, make autonomous decisions, or even lock the door.
4. Emotional control: They may use emotional manipulation or criticism to make the child act according to their will, such as controlling the child’s behavior through guilt or pressure, saying things like “I sacrificed so much for you, and if you don’t listen, it makes me very sad.”
5. Criticism and blame: Controlling parents tend to use criticism and blame to correct their child’s behavior instead of providing positive support. For example, blaming the child for not doing anything well and always needing help from the parents to control the child’s life.
Influence of controlling parents on children
The behavior of controlling parents can have a significant impact on children, including but not limited to the following aspects:
1. Issues with self-identity and self-confidence: Children may have difficulty forming independent self-identity, self-esteem, and self-confidence because they are used to relying on parental guidance and decisions.
For example, a controlling mother who has strict requirements for her daughter’s every friend and activity may lead the daughter to not know how to independently choose friends or lack the confidence to choose her own interests.
2. Emotional and psychological health issues: If children are constantly not encouraged by their parents to act, try, explore, master, and take risks of failure, they may always feel helpless and dissatisfied, become anxious and timid, possibly depressed, and even engage in self-harm.
For example, a father who excessively focuses on academic performance, harshly criticizes and compares every grade of the child may lead to excessive study pressure, unstable emotions, and disrupted sleep.
3. Difficulty in interpersonal relationships: Children may have difficulty establishing healthy social relationships and social skills due to a lack of autonomy and decision-making ability.
For example, if parents strictly control their child’s social circle, the child may find it difficult to build genuine friendships in school or with peers because they are afraid to invite friends over or participate in outings.
4. Difficulty in intimate relationships: Due to not learning appropriate patterns of intimate relationships, children may find it difficult to express and share genuine emotions and needs in relationships, maintain a healthy level of intimacy, and find it challenging to establish secure, stable intimate relationships.
For example, parents controlling their child’s social interactions and frequently criticizing the child may lead the child to prefer to establish a controlling-conflictual type of intimate relationship. As the child grows older, they may seek a partner with strong controlling tendencies, leading to frequent conflicts, mirroring the way the child interacts with the parents.
5. Impaired independent thinking and decision-making abilities: Many controlling parents may try to maintain their child’s helplessness and hope it never disappears out of fear of not being needed by the child. This lack of independent decision-making opportunities may make it difficult for children to make choices as adults, struggle to independently take on life responsibilities.
For example, parents who always plan out every daily routine for the child may lead to the child not knowing how to autonomously manage their time and tasks later in life, and may struggle to independently handle corresponding responsibilities and pressures at work, affecting career development.
These impacts may have long-term effects on the overall growth and quality of life of children, so understanding and addressing the ways of controlling parents is crucial.
How to deal with this specifically?
Stay tuned for more in the next detailed post
Medical Guidance: Li Yan, Professor, Doctor of Medicine, Doctoral Supervisor, Chief TCM Physician, National Level 2 Psychological Counselor. Currently the director of the Psychological Sleep Specialty at the Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine. Awarded the title of Outstanding Young TCM Talent in Guangdong Province, Young Renowned TCM Physician at the Guangdong Provincial Hospital, among other titles. Currently serving as the chairman of the Psychological Sleep Committee of the Guangdong Society of Traditional Chinese and Western Medicine, Vice Chairman of the Mind-Body Medicine Committee of the Guangdong Society of Traditional Chinese and Western Medicine, Vice Chairman of the Clinical Mind-Body Medicine and Psychological Therapy Committee of the Guangdong Clinical Medicine Society, etc.
Studied under the guidance of renowned TCM masters such as Professor Tong Xiaolin from Beijing Guang’anmen, Professor Zhang Xuewen from Shaanxi University of Traditional Chinese Medicine, Professor Huang Huang from Nanjing University of Chinese Medicine, and Professor Li Fazhi from Henan University of Traditional Chinese Medicine, deeply influenced by renowned senior TCM practitioners in TCM theory and medical ethics and skills. Over the years of clinical practice, a TCM theoretical guidance system centered on “Treatise on Cold Damage” and “Discussion on the Spleen and Stomach” has been gradually formed, particularly skilled in using theories related to “Differentiation of Cold Damage in Six Channels” and “Discussion on the Spleen and Stomach” in treating mental disorders such as anxiety disorders, depressive episodes, sleep disorders, panic disorders, bipolar affective disorders, schizophrenia, and other mental psychological sleep-related disorders.
Received systematic professional training in various schools of psychotherapy such as psychoanalysis, cognitive-behavioral therapy, family therapy, marital therapy, family system arrangement therapy, and sandplay therapy, flexibly utilizing various therapies such as individual psychotherapy, group psychotherapy, family system arrangement, sandplay games, and emotive therapy, addressing various disorders including all types of sleep disorders, depressive episodes, various neuroses, interpersonal difficulties, emotional and behavioral disorders in adolescents, abnormal marital relationships, abnormal parent-child relationships, difficulties in occupational adaptation, and various psychological disorders.
Clinic hours: Monday and Wednesday mornings (Clinic of Psychological Sleep Medicine, Guangdong Provincial Hospital on Dade Road), Thursday mornings (Special Needs Outpatient Clinic on the fifth floor of the western section of Guangdong Provincial Hospital on Dade Road).
Brief Introduction to the Psychological Sleep Specialty at Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine
The Psychological Sleep Specialty at Guangdong Provincial Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine was established in 2005 and has seen rapid development since inception, providing comprehensive services for a wide range of conditions with significant national influence. The specialty currently has 13 clinical physicians, 3 psychotherapists, with an annual outpatient count exceeding 30,000, with a nearly 95% rate of pure traditional Chinese medicine treatment and an effective rate of over 80%.
The specialty focuses on treating various sleep disorders, mental disorders, psychological disorders, and some difficult miscellaneous conditions. It also addresses poor interpersonal relationships, abnormal parent-child relationships, learning disorders, adolescent adaptation disorders, abnormal marital relationships, etc.
In the clinical diagnosis and treatment process, equal emphasis is placed on physical and psychological treatments, offering highly individualized treatment plans based on individual needs. Therapies include selectively combining Chinese herbal decoctions, acupuncture, psychotherapy, and physical therapy. Specialized therapy approaches such as individual psychotherapy, group psychotherapy, sleep cognitive-behavioral therapy, hypnotherapy, sandplay therapy, acupuncture, among others, have shown significant clinical efficacy with a distinct emphasis on traditional Chinese medicine.
Contributed by: Fu Xiaolu
Executive Editor: Zhang Liangwen
Reviewed by: Wang Junfei
Responsible Editor: Chen Jiajia
