When I was young, I gradually saw things that others couldn’t see. I still remember the innocent time of my childhood. Now everything has changed, time has taken away everything from me, and my life gradually collapsed into a melancholic abyss, but I couldn’t hold onto time.
I have long forgotten when I got this illness, and why I got this illness. I only know that this illness took away everything beautiful from me.
From experiencing hallucinations to the first hospitalization.
When I entered junior high school, sitting in the classroom listening to the teacher, I suddenly saw something. I paranoidly believed that a classmate in front was invading me, polluting me. I resisted his unfounded attacks countless times in my heart, including thinking someone at home was the same. I was so exhausted, having to consider both reality and illusion. I often told myself it wasn’t real, but my heart couldn’t let go. With such a sick thought, I entered the second year of junior high school.
The homeroom teacher in the second year of junior high school was a very nervous person, and the classmates in the class had many opinions about him. During that year, my condition worsened significantly because I still stubbornly believed that the teacher was invading me, polluting me. Since I had been resisting him, he moved me to the last seat with those bad students who bullied me constantly. During this time, I couldn’t bear it, so I searched online and found out what to do with hallucinations.
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A hospital named Shanghai Center caught my eye. Since I had such a condition, why not go to the hospital to have a check-up? I told my mom and she took me for treatment. The first time at the hospital, I hoped that I would get better and not have to come again. My mom arranged for me to see a specialist, but what I didn’t know was that our understanding differed. My mom thought I had anxiety disorder, while I believed I had schizophrenia. My mom scheduled an appointment for anxiety disorder.
After a morning of waiting, my turn came. I told the doctor I saw hallucinations. The doctor asked me what I saw. I was caught off guard. What other kinds of hallucinations were there? They were transparent, floating in the air, right? The doctor prescribed Pimozide and asked my mom if I exhibited extreme mood swings from being ecstatic to depression. My mom said it seemed like it happened, that sometimes I was extremely happy when studying English and sometimes very insecure. But inside, I never felt ecstatic. After hearing my mom’s explanation, the doctor said it was bipolar disorder, and we should go home and take the prescribed medication.
Back home, I was happy, thinking that after taking the medication, my illness would disappear forever. I thought if I took the medicine for a day, the sickness would be gone. However, the doctor didn’t tell me that I needed to take the medication long-term, even when the condition stabilized. After taking the medicine, I felt drowsy and my sick thoughts eased. I thought the medication was working and told my mom. She was thrilled and took the whole family out to celebrate. For some reason, I always believed there was a person at home trying to invade me in the hallucinations, attacking me, contaminating me to make me become like him. After taking the medication, it seemed like the hallucinations lessened, but later I realized it was just my imagination.
My hallucinations were constant. If I saw that person in my hallucinations, I would salivate excessively. I thought the saliva was used to contaminate me. I had to spit it out every time and replace the person I saw in the hallucination with someone resembling them in a photo to not associate them, even their belongings needed to be replaced. I thought the medication wasn’t effective and stopped it.
Two hospitalizations, both times I begged to be discharged.
After a year, I entered the third year of junior high school but I was afraid of getting the same teacher. My mom took my medical records to the principal’s office, requesting a classroom change. Towards the end of the first semester of the third year, the teacher had a conversation with my mom and suggested that I take a break from schooling.
Firstly, because my grades weren’t good enough, which might affect my chances of entering a good school. Secondly, because my illness couldn’t be ignored and needed urgent treatment. My mom complied with the teacher’s advice, arranged for me to take a break, and once again consulted the specialists at the Shanghai Center for my treatment.
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The outpatient doctor there recommended hospitalization for me. When I heard the word hospitalization, I was elated because I thought I would no longer see that person and would have doctors looking after me. So, my mom and I agreed to the hospitalization, completed the necessary procedures, and entered the ward. I had no idea what awaited me; the doctors took away my phone, tagged me with a hospital tag, observed my every move, and confined me. The food in the ward was unappetizing; there were strange individuals, some who were mentally unstable, and others perfectly normal. I remember a person who was admitted due to suffering from insomnia. Initially, I refused to take medication by holding it under my tongue whenever the doctor gave me pills, prompting them to switch to liquid medication.
One night after taking the medication, I was walking in the ward corridor when my eyes started rolling up. The doctor, alarmed by my condition, immediately brought diazepam. At first, I had no idea what was happening, only feeling extremely scared, trembling all over. Suddenly, my neck arched back uncontrollably. The doctor approached me, giving me medication, assuring me it would help. However, even after half an hour, my condition didn’t improve. A nurse, observing me, said it was all in my head and I must be imagining it. Eventually, the nurse contacted the doctor, and I was given a sedative. I gradually fell asleep, not knowing whether the medication was changed or if the situation repeated.
There was a vacation system where patients who behaved well could go home for a few days. I demonstrated good behavior and was allowed to exercise at the playground. Eventually, I was granted a short break. During those days at home, I made it clear to my mom that I wouldn’t return. Helpless, my mom arranged for my discharge.
I was hospitalized twice in Shanghai, with the second time being involuntary. During that stay, I underwent multiple sessions of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), damaging my memory. Many memories from my time at the hospital were forgotten, but I do recall that was when I began learning Japanese. Every time my mom visited, I begged her to take me home. Eventually, after a few weeks, my attending physician approved my discharge. During my second hospitalization, the attending physician mentioned that I seemed intelligent and conducted an IQ test. The results were favorable; my IQ was over one hundred.
When I returned home, I initially continued the medication regimen. During the day, I visited teachers or spent time with friends. However, I would often experience eye-rolling episodes while playing, leading me to reject the medication. Despite my mom’s efforts, my condition fluctuated.
Later on, I committed to ongoing treatment.
After the break from schooling in the third year, I focused on learning English and later took an exam at an international school in Suzhou, passing the four-year course. My mom enrolled me in the international school, hoping for a lighter academic load. Due to the high fees, she arranged for me to study in North America. After completing a year of high school, I contemplated returning to junior high during the winter break as I no longer wished to attend the international school. While in the middle of the first semester, my mom took me to another hospital for treatment.
Midway through junior high, the winter break arrived. My mom planned to admit me to a hospital as I had been isolated in my room using headphones to listen to music, avoiding hearing his voice, always on my phone to replace the visuals in my hallucinations.
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Upon arriving at the hospital, the doctors initially prescribed Paliperidone to me as I had informed them that all medications, including Olanzapine and Risperidone, caused eye-rolling and anxiety except for Quetiapine. However, by the second day, I started experiencing eye-rolling again, leading to my refusal to take medication. Subsequently, the doctors prescribed diazepam, and I discovered that taking it before 3:30 PM prevented the reaction. Later, it was switched to a slow-release injection, which was also distressing with its side effects, and once administered, there was no turning back. Upon returning home, I drank water excessively hoping the effects of the medication would dissipate sooner.
Despite these challenges, eventually, the medication effects wore off after a few months. During follow-up visits, the outpatient medication was switched to Quetiapine. Although occasional eye-rolling persisted, it significantly improved.
With improvement in my condition, my mother became a silent pillar of support.
Today, my condition has significantly improved, and my demeanor has brightened as I no longer need to replace the visuals in my hallucinations with my phone. My social connections have also improved, and even in exams, my performance surpassed expectations. Currently, I am pursuing a 3+2 program, three years in the professional program and two years in the associate degree program. Although the hallucinations persist despite medication, I no longer let them affect me. I am hopeful that within a year, my condition will stabilize, and after the hallucinations cease, I will continue taking medication to maintain stability. My goal is to eventually discontinue medication over the next few years, undergo complete social reintegration training, and become a fully functional individual.
As we approach the hospital, my mother gently takes my hand, asking if I am cold. The relentless back and forth, the gradual aging of my mother as she tirelessly cares for her child. The flickering streetlights, the dawn gently breaking, time slipping away slowly. I realize that in this vast world, it is only the mother and her child walking steadfastly towards the dawn, hand in hand, facing fate together. The challenging journey, striving for a brighter future, for a better tomorrow.
During the frozen journey of a thousand miles, the next step might lead into an abyss a thousand fathoms deep. The sunlight no longer reaches my eyes, often resenting the twists of fate, the tumultuous journey. Fortunately, my mother is my unwritten guidebook, always leading me forward, enduring the tough times, traversing the ups and downs of life, striving for a kinder future.
Tip: Due to different conditions of each patient, consulting a professional physician is necessary for psychiatric treatments mentioned in the text, and blind imitation should be avoided.
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