A recent high school student falling from a building at Yan’an High School has sparked attention.
Official response: The student did not want to participate in group activities, and the teacher’s method of criticizing and educating the students was inappropriate and the language used was improper.
We do not know the specific content of the teacher’s criticism, but the child impulsively jumped off the building under the teacher’s criticism, which is shocking! Is it that the child’s mentality is too fragile or the teacher’s words are too harsh?
In fact, such incidents are not uncommon. What we need to pay attention to is how to correctly criticize adolescents during this special period of adolescence?
Research from both domestic and international sources have found an important phenomenon, that is, individual “impulsivity” plays a very important role in suicidal incidents.
Arguing with adults, easily agitated, solving problems with extreme behavior… The adolescent period that gives adults a headache can be described as a period of emotional “storms and turmoil,” characterized by strong emotional experiences, showing a high degree of irritability to external stimuli, and prone to impulsiveness.
When faced with strong negative stimuli, individuals with high impulsivity traits are prone to making hasty, unplanned reactions without considering whether these responses will have significant adverse consequences for themselves or others.
Understanding the emotional characteristics of adolescent children and setting an example as adults to help adolescent children develop emotional management capabilities, not escalating and intensifying conflicts with children when handling conflicts, may reduce the tragedies caused by impulsiveness on both sides.
In the process of educating children, parents and teachers generally adopt a criticism-based education method. By accepting criticism, children gradually develop the ability to adapt to various environments and situations, and in appropriate situations, they can motivate students and promote their personal growth.
However, it is important to maintain balance and moderation, ensuring that criticism is constructive, caring, and respectful, combined with praise, encouragement, and support.
In fact, there are many “criticisms” in our daily lives that are inappropriate. Those behaviors are actually a form of excessive blame that continuously hurts the child’s feelings…
Do you usually blame or criticize children?
â‘ Good relationships make criticism effective
For example, you see your child playing soccer at home…
Blame mode: “What’s wrong with you (emotional reaction)? Creating a mess at home again, if I don’t discipline you (threat and intimidation), I’ll put you up against the wall and roof, and you want to run away!”
Criticism mode: “We’ve talked about this before, playing soccer in the house could lead to accidentally breaking things, which is dangerous (reiterate rules). Can you tell me why you chose to play soccer here? (guiding the child to express themselves).”
Summary: A healthy and stable parent-child relationship can lead to guidance; parents respect their children, and children are more likely to accept suggestions. Positive feedback will affirm the child, showing more inner motivation to complete tasks.
â‘¡ Provide constructive feedback, emphasize rules again
For example, if the child loses a phone or a watch…
Blame mode: “Why do you always lose things (emotional attack)? You lost a toy last time, and now you’ve lost a watch. Will you lose yourself tomorrow (catastrophic thinking)?”
Criticism mode: “You’ve lost a toy and a watch this week (pointing out the mistake). Next time, when we’re about to leave a place, check if you’ve got everything yourself (specific suggestion). If you can’t remember, then you won’t be taking those things out with you in the future (setting a rule).”
Summary: Criticism is an essential aspect of a child’s life; parents, while criticizing, need to provide specific feedback, establish and emphasize rules. Emotional accusations cannot help children understand the “lesson”; they will only learn to treat failure emotionally.
â‘¢ Address behavior issues rather than eliminating the person with problems
For example, you see your child getting food all over…
Blame mode: “Look at yourself, covered in food, like a beggar (negative label). Can’t you learn to be clean (behavioral criticism)? Others are disgusted with you (social exclusion).”
Criticism mode: “I noticed that sometimes you accidentally get food on yourself when eating (observation and description). Try using a napkin next time, this way, you can stay clean (providing a solution), and we can all enjoy food better~ (positive encouragement).”
Summary: Parents can inform children about the behaviors they are concerned about and the reasons for their concerns. Avoid accusations, address only one problem at a time.
â‘£ Gently and directly remind
Blame mode: “Why are you so selfish (negative label)? When you visit your sister’s house, she lets you play with her toys (comparing). Your sister rarely comes to our house, and you don’t share your toys with her, no kids will play with you like this in the future (predicting negative outcomes)!”
Criticism mode: “I noticed today you didn’t share your toys with your sister (using “I” language), which might make her feel a bit disappointed (guiding observation of feelings). Next time, let’s pick some toys you’re willing to share and play with your sister (suggestion + encouragement), how do you feel about that (seeking opinion)?”
Summary: Children, at a young age, are still learning empathy; parents can initiate dialogue using “I” rather than “you” to reduce the feeling of being attacked. Direct expression is easier for children to understand.
⑤ Avoid using sarcastic compliments; sincerity is key
Blame mode: “You’re so naughty (negative label), always running about, what’s the rush (generalized accusation)? Trying to get a medal back (sarcasm)? No wonder you keep falling down, be careful next time (venting emotions)!”
Criticism mode: “Did you hurt yourself (acknowledge feelings)? Remember, running fast is exciting (balancing pros and cons), it looks fun, but we need to be safe (emphasizing safety), or you might end up with more serious injuries. Next time, let’s find a suitable place to practice running, ensuring it’s safe and enjoyable (positive guidance).”
Summary: Sarcasm can easily lead to children feeling frustrated, defeated, and unable to accept parental advice under negative emotions.
Honest expressions of care are the foundation of communication.
Do not let blame disguise itself as “criticism,” as it can be damaging. If you notice abnormal situations in your child, such as emotional disturbances, insomnia, frequent nightmares, rapid academic decline, avoidance of studying and going to school, reluctance to socialize, then stay alert.
