4-year-old Xiaoming, every time he is criticized by his parents for doing something wrong, he clearly knows he is wrong but always tries to argue, cry, or scream. He would admit his mistake and promise not to do it again, but often repeats the same behavior, sometimes with even more intensity – as if caught in a vicious cycle, leaving his parents unsure of what to do.
Psychotherapist and adolescent psychology expert Ding Qi, answered Xiaoming’s mother’s question and pointed out that Xiaoming’s behavior is not abnormal at all.
However, if this behavior is considered as child rebellion, then that is a mistake.
Ding Qi explained that some children are particularly sensitive to being corrected, especially at a young age, and their reactions may seem like resistance or argumentativeness.
In fact, this is because they care deeply about their parents thinking they are “naughty,” triggering a series of emotions.
Yet, they have not developed the appropriate “tools” to control these emotions, so their reactions are often viewed unfavorably by adults.
The way young children admit their mistakes is different from what adults expect and guidance is needed.
In reality, asking them to obediently follow the adults’ expectations: to think about how to handle situations, remember past lessons, and control their behavior, is not an easy task for their still developing frontal lobe, requiring a great deal of cognitive effort.
Furthermore, having to remember to “be good” when emotions are running high is a difficult task.
This is akin to expecting adults to focus on studying even when they failed an exam and are feeling down, a challenging demand.
However, Ding Qi reminds us that if children exhibit these outbursts of anger, it is actually a positive sign.
That means they are aware of their mistake, but the way they admit it may be different from what adults imagine or expect. Adults can guide them to express themselves appropriately and correct their behavior using the following 4 steps:
1. Enter the child’s emotional world
Try to bend down or sit down, match the child’s height, look into their eyes, touch their shoulder or hug them, allowing their emotions to calm down.
2. Guide the child’s emotions
Acknowledge the child’s emotions and explain the situation. For example, “You seem upset with your sister, that’s why you broke her toy. She is sad now.” This helps the child feel understood, identify the problem, and pave the way for a solution.
3. Provide the child with a chance to make amends
Ask the child how they can fix the problem they caused, then let them do it. For instance, picking up and putting back the items they knocked over.
4. Make the child feel loved
Praise the child for the positive aspects of their behavior, such as being willing to listen to others’ feelings even when upset, and being ready to pick up the chair. This allows the child to experience firsthand that such actions will naturally be rewarded, replacing previous crying fits.
Ding Qi emphasizes the importance of adults controlling their own emotions during these moments.
For example, remind yourself to separate the child from their behavior.
Sometimes, their actions may not match their thoughts, which does not mean they are disobedient. Furthermore, they often just seek the love of adults. It’s crucial to let the child know that, even when they do things adults dislike, they are still very much loved.
