Douban once had a group called “Both Parents are Harmful,” which gathered 120,000 people, under the rebellious group name lay the blood and tears of countless real individuals, accusing the physical and mental harm caused by their parents.
The group introduction expressed their voices: “We are not unfilial, we just want a better life.”
Happy people heal a lifetime with childhood, while unhappy people spend a lifetime healing childhood. The home that should provide shelter from the storm becomes an endless source of pain for them.
Perhaps no parents are perfect, but most of them at least meet the minimum standard. However, there are indeed some parents who completely fail to uphold the responsibilities of being parents.
If one finds that the person they are dating is terrible, they can say goodbye and find someone better, but when it comes to bad parents, saying goodbye is not that easy.
Psychologist Susan Ford pointed out in her work “Family of Origin” that there are two types of parents, one teaches children love, respect, and independence, while the other leaves behind fear, pressure, and guilt.
The latter are the “toxic parents” who excessively control children and emotionally manipulate them.
Toxic parents cast a shadow over the family environment, using fear, guilt, and shame as tools to obtain what they want and ensure the children comply.
Most of them will never admit that their way of parenting is wrong or harmful, always saying “it’s for your own good” or “everyone went through this.”
Some of these parents may have personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, being indifferent to others but ensuring absolute authority within the family.
Toxic parents often exhibit these behaviors:
▍Always thinking they are right
They persist that their beliefs and ideas are absolutely correct, unwavering, and that anyone with different ideas is wrong. These parents also force their children to agree with their views.
Even if proven wrong, they selectively ignore or outright deny it, shifting blame onto others, never apologizing, admitting fault, or taking responsibility for their actions, ultimately blaming all conflicts on others around them.
▍Self-centered
These parents lack empathy for others, unable to sense the pain or emotional changes in others, including their children. They only care about their own feelings and needs, disregarding what the child truly needs.
They do not give the child the opportunity to make choices for themselves, instead imposing their own ideas on the child, showing no regard for the child’s feelings but expecting everyone to cater to their emotions.
▍Emotionally unstable, easily offended
They have quick tempers, harboring hostility towards those around them, unpredictable in what they say or do that might offend them. Even a slight provocation can trigger them to become emotional and hostile.
Toxic parents are hypersensitive to criticism; whenever their ideas and actions are challenged, they lose control, leading to emotional outbursts or other impulsive behaviors.
▍Engage in abuse
Yelling and insulting are the primary ways toxic parents communicate with their children. Any spontaneous actions or individual differences within normal limits by the child are seen as “defiance,” becoming common forms of verbal and emotional abuse.
They establish unreasonable “house rules,” using physical pain to restrain and control the child, leading to long-term physical abuse such as beating, scolding, and punishment, as well as sexual abuse.
▍Strong desire for control
Toxic parents always try to dominate the child’s life, adept at indirectly manipulating children with silence or guilt, concealing and distorting facts when their intentions are fulfilled, portraying themselves as victims.
Their parenting style is dictatorial, using the child’s fear to compel obedience, ensuring every step aligns with their plans.
While some parents may cling to control even after their children have grown up and started their own families, they continue to make unreasonable demands, making it impossible for children to break free from them.
