I found that many girls tend to fall into two extremes in relationships.
One extreme is being extremely “good”, they always want to be a good person, always showing their considerate, gentle, generous, and understanding side.
Even if their partners constantly trample on their bottom line, infringe on their interests, they still maintain the image of being a “good person”, not arguing, not making a scene, not resisting. Although this “virtuousness” indeed receives praise from others, it actually causes a lot of grievances for themselves.
The other extreme is being extremely “bad”. These girls in relationships can’t help but be mischievous, throw tantrums, use their words to make others angry. They clearly love their partners deeply but can’t help but hurt them with their words.
Xiaowen is such a girl. Many times, she wanted to express her care and love to her boyfriend, but once she starts talking, she ruins the mood.
Once, when her boyfriend had to work overtime suddenly, keeping busy all night, Xiaowen was afraid that staying up late would harm his health, so she called him several times to urge him to come home, but her boyfriend couldn’t leave.
While her boyfriend was working in the office, Xiaowen at home couldn’t sleep soundly, she was half asleep, half awake, waiting for her boyfriend to come home until it was almost daylight when she heard the door open.
Seeing her boyfriend who had been busy all night looking very haggard, Xiaowen originally wanted to express her concern and affection, but for some reason, what came out of her mouth was a sharp and unpleasant remark:
“You finally decided to come home? Why don’t you just live in the office? You work so hard, how much raise did your boss give you?”
As soon as Xiaowen said those words, she regretted it. Her boyfriend didn’t respond well either and retorted, “I didn’t ask you to wait for me, what’s wrong with you,” then went back to sleep.
Xiaowen felt both resentful and self-blaming, regretting why she couldn’t be gentler and more considerate. She knew her boyfriend had worked hard all day and didn’t want to hear such cold words, but she couldn’t help but say them.
There are many people like this. When facing outsiders, we can empathize, provide emotional support, but when facing loved ones, we can’t help but be mischievous, wreak havoc, deliberately provoke, only to regret it deeply when the relationship breaks down. Why is that?
From a psychological perspective, deliberately being mischievous, causing trouble, doesn’t mean we are inherently bad or unkind, but because we carry many wounds and regrets deep within.
During our childhood, if we encountered caregivers who were strict, demanding, and emotionally lacking, unable to accept the “bad” side of a child, every bit of mischief or tantrum would irritate them, leading to severe criticism and punishment.
Thus, a confusion arises within us: Is there anyone who will love me unconditionally? Will anyone fall for the complete me, even if I’m not thoughtful, caring, even if I’m selfish and temperamental?
This kind of confusion permeates and influences our entire lives. Once we enter into intimate relationships, we can’t help but want to be mischievous, cause trouble, to test if our partner truly loves us.
However, reality often does not meet our expectations. When the other person’s emotional capacity is low, when they are exhausted and worn out, it’s challenging for them to accept our “bad” side.
If we use this as a validation that we “indeed aren’t deserving of love,” we will spiral into endless suffering, hurting both others and ourselves.
If you constantly find yourself unable to resist being mischievous in a relationship, how can you restrain this desire?
01
Understanding your occasional “tantrums”
While it’s agreed upon nowadays that “don’t act out, communicate directly,” after you do act out and hurt your partner and the relationship, you will feel self-blame, and sometimes even self-disgust, feeling unworthy of receiving love from others.
So, the first step is to understand these moments of being mischievous, acting out, and realize that it’s not entirely your fault, but because you’ve been suppressed and wronged far too many times, it’s a result of your childhood trauma.
Even when causing trouble in the relationship, don’t view yourself as the wrongdoer, instead, give yourself a hug, tell yourself, “I know you don’t want this, you just want to prove he loves you.”
Stop blaming and criticizing yourself, stop negating yourself. You can also share your feelings with your partner, tell them that you do care about them a lot, you are just afraid they don’t love you enough, hence these actions to test them. Believe that you can get understanding from your partner once they understand your pain and desires, they won’t have too many demands on you and can tolerate your occasional mischief.
02
Understand why your partner can’t fulfill you
We need to understand that even the most perfect partners have limitations, times when they can’t handle your needs, and that’s not your fault.
Like when we were children, we weren’t criticized by our parents for doing something wrong, but because our parents were under their own pressures. When they are drained of energy, they can’t deal with our negative emotions.
Similarly, if we act out, cause trouble, throw tantrums, and our partners don’t have the mental energy, they will naturally conflict with us.
Just like Xiaowen’s boyfriend, after working all night and being sarcastically mocked by his girlfriend, his mood was naturally affected.
At this moment, if Xiaowen is trying to test if he loves her, she will inevitably receive a disappointing response.
Xiaowen wants love and care, while her boyfriend also wants comfort and care at the same time. Their interests clash, and of course, they will first consider their own well-being.
This is not Xiaowen’s fault, nor is she unworthy of love.
The better Xiaowen understands her boyfriend’s feelings and emotions at the time, the more she can forgive herself, realizing that it’s not about her needing it but her partner genuinely being unable to provide it.
So, Xiaowen won’t focus on seeking love from her boyfriend, she won’t make herself pitiable, constantly depressed about why her boyfriend doesn’t love her, why her kindness is misunderstood. She can break free from this cycle and find other ways to fulfill herself.
03
Give yourself more care
Once we understand that our repeated mischievous behavior is to seek love from our partner, to compensate for childhood regrets and trauma, the next step is to stop seeking in vain, no longer causing trouble for our partner, but satisfying ourselves.
Our abilities, intelligence, and resources during childhood were limited, we had to depend on caregivers, but now we are not as helpless as we were in childhood. We can earn money, look up information online, search for knowledge… as long as we want to love ourselves, we can find countless ways to care for and satisfy ourselves.
When you feel like resting, lie down comfortably and take a nap, when you crave something, indulge in a grand feast, when the mood strikes, put on full makeup, appreciate your beauty, if time allows, go to the places you want to visit, take a spontaneous trip…
You’ll realize that when you are good to yourself, caring enough for yourself, you won’t worry much about whether your partner still loves you, let alone constantly testing them.
What does it matter if they love you or not? You will never stop loving yourself.
This self-care allows us to redirect our attention back to ourselves, making us more comfortable and relaxed. And self-love is the source of everything.
When we love ourselves enough, we understand how to love others, and we can effortlessly give out our love.
In relationships, many of us are like primary school children, not knowing how to interact with others, not understanding why we have many peculiar behaviors.
Author | Water-Healing Therapist, certified psychological consultant from the Chinese Academy of Sciences, certified International Hypnotherapist (IHNMA), dedicated to exploring the depths and greatness of human nature.
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