Now it seems that when women hear the term “mama’s boy,” their first impression is to steer clear, even if he possesses a charming quality that attracts them. However, the sight of his mother manipulating him from behind can make them back off.
What is a mama’s boy?
A “mama’s boy” refers to those boys who center their decision-making around their mothers, who are spoiled by their mothers and lack independent thinking skills.
How to determine if a boy is a mama’s boy?
1. When discussing problems with a mama’s boy, he often says, “Ask my mom” or “I’ll check with my mom.” It seems that whatever his mother says is correct, and he cannot make decisions on these matters himself.
2. “My mom is getting old, she has always been this way, just be more understanding of her.” This statement seems to indicate that he is very filial and does not want a direct conflict between you two, which is quite reasonable for both sides. However, what he is really expressing is, “My mom is getting old, so whatever she says is right, whatever she does is right, and if it’s wrong, it’s still right, and you can’t refute that.” If that’s the case, can you still accept it?
3. In interactions with the mama’s boy’s family, if you find that his mother is very domineering while his father has a submissive personality (for reference, think of Su Da Qiang), you will feel out of place when you are only with the mama’s boy and his mother, which can essentially indicate that he is a mama’s boy.
How do mama’s boys arise?
From a psychological perspective, the complex emotional entanglement between a mother and son seems to be destined.
Every individual establishes emotional connections with others through their primary caregivers, and in most cases, this caregiver is the mother. As sexual psychology develops, an individual may develop a special attachment to their father or mother, which is commonly referred to as the Oedipus complex.
The Oedipus complex generally appears between the ages of 3 and 6. During this process, a son experiences a strong desire for his mother, wanting to replace his father to possess her, while feeling jealousy and hatred towards his father, but also experiencing fear due to the father’s authority and strength.
This desire transforms as the individual develops, with the son’s jealousy and hatred towards the father gradually evolving into identification and idealization of him. Meanwhile, the son’s intense sexual desire for his mother will be cast aside, sublimating into a general form of love for her.
During this growing process, the relationship between mother and son can take different directions: some develop healthy, secure attachments; others develop unhealthy attachments.
In the case of mama’s boys, the relationship with their mothers evolves into an unhealthy attachment, characterized as an “obsessive” attachment relationship. The emergence of this relationship is significantly influenced by the mother, as her excessive pampering and constant desire to intervene in his life lead to an over-reliance that results in the son becoming a thoughtless “giant baby” incapable of living independently, eventually turning into the so-called mama’s boy.
However, sometimes “the more care there is,” the more tragedy it brings.
How to avoid becoming a mama’s boy
Carl Jung stated, “The worst influence parents can have on their children is to make them feel that their parents do not live well.” Handling everything for the children while failing to take responsibility for one’s own life may seem like selfless devotion, but it becomes a heavy restraint on the child’s body and mind due to excessive love.
Dr. Huang Han, a social psychology PhD from Nanjing University, clearly opposes the idea of “everything for the children.”
“The two most important points in raising children, as I understand it, are: first, to maintain a healthy and intimate spousal relationship; second, to strive to become the kind of person you hope your child will become, rather than making the child strive. By maintaining a good spousal relationship, the child can see that aside from work, you manage your relationship with your spouse and do so in a loving manner. Their parents have their own lives; each party has unique value and things they aspire to pursue. If parents do everything for their children, where does that leave themselves? If parents can do without it, the child will feel they can also do without it.”
Maintaining a sense of boundaries is the “secret weapon” that allows both parties to stay away from “torment.”
