Wen|Xianxian
Jia Qianqian’s poetry has recently been very popular. Some say she is not a poet, specializing in writing about vulgarities or on the fringe of poetic works, unable to ascend to the realm of grand elegance.
But I think she simply expresses the most primal and intriguing aspects of human nature through imagination or sensory experience. There’s nothing wrong with that, especially when it comes to the most primal desires between men and women, expressing them can be a form of liberation. Just like in that poem: “When lonely, cucumbers are undoubtedly the best in the world.”
Indeed, sex is the best companion of humanity, accompanying people as they grow up and mature. Sex includes both same-sex and opposite-sex relationships – it’s parents when you’re young, and husbands and wives as you grow older. Speaking about it, expressing it has no harm, it can even help one to continually grow.
On the contrary, repressing it will only make oneself worse off. Seeming noble but devoid of the warmth and companionship of “sex,” one ends up losing more, especially for oneself.
Recently, I came across a post about a man who has been in a sexless marriage for many years, not because he can’t or doesn’t want to, but because he lost interest in his wife. His wife’s behavior and expressions have disappointed him greatly, making him wonder if there’s any meaning left in this marriage.
Zhang He, 36, has been married to his wife Sun Xuejiao for 7 years. In the 8 years before marriage, he, like Jia Qianqian, found “traditional skills” to be the best companion in times of loneliness. He himself is of a very strong desire type; as long as he isn’t too busy in the mornings or evenings, he would usually stretch his muscles and bones using these traditional skills on a daily basis.
However, since their marriage and especially in the past year, Zhang He and his wife have not had a physical relationship for almost half a year. Although this is partly due to Zhang He’s deteriorating health compared to before, their conjugal life has gradually evolved into a sexless marriage. This leaves Zhang He both helpless and in pain, sometimes even resorting to self-relief while his wife is in the shower, only to immediately feel a sense of “this world isn’t worth it” afterwards.
This continuous cycle of life makes Zhang He believe he will eventually cheat, betray this family, unless he can suppress his desire for “sex” by worsening his health. Perhaps only then would he avoid trouble.
So why is it like this? To quote Zhang He himself, it’s for the sake of proving a point.
“In fact, in the first two years of our marriage, she was very accommodating towards me. Whatever my requests or preferences, she would try to satisfy me, she would even buy some very stimulating lingerie for me to see.”
At that time, not only Zhang He loved Sun Xuejiao, but Sun Xuejiao also loved Zhang He very much. However, after several years of marriage, the two of them transitioned from the initial passion to a calm state, especially when it came to marital life, Sun Xuejiao postmarriage became more conservative, which is Zhang He’s direct feeling.
“Initially, she liked me, was willing to accommodate, but now that time has passed, she’s more concerned about her feelings.”
So now whenever Zhang He wants to engage in marital life with his wife, it’s like he’s imploring her, she’s basically always in refusal initially. Zhang He feels like a beggar, hoping for something extravagant.
During these times, Sun Xuejiao no longer caters to Zhang He, maybe she’s either on her phone or urging Zhang He to hurry, and when it comes to some intimate positions, Sun Xuejiao always finds something wrong, this undermines Zhang He’s interest.
“There have been several times where I’ve initiated, and she immediately feels tired, and although I’m still interested, the lack of reciprocation makes me feel as if I’m on my own, like a fish on a chopping board, I can’t be bothered to continue, my thoughts are like: whatever! I would rather please myself now, rather than be disappointed halfway by her.”
Both Zhang He and Sun Xuejiao have good incomes, and their daughter is being carefully cared for by both parents. They should be a very happy family, yet beneath the surface happiness, there are hidden undercurrents of discontent. The couple is gradually drifting apart, which is closely related to the sexless marriage.
Indeed, sex might not be the most important aspect of martial life, but it’s indispensable. Just like the saying “a hug is worth more than a thousand sweet words,” many hugs still can’t replace the need for spiritual and physical communication and release.
Sex is the bridge to enhancing marital relationships, it’s a lubricant that soothes conflicts, intensifies affection, and is essential in marriage. While some may scoff at this, the reality is exactly like this – the proportion of sexless married couples who still remain happy is extremely low.
The lack of marital intimacy, the absence of bedside communication, leads to suspicion, estrangement, lack of understanding, affection turning sour from a simple good morning, a glance, or a smell. It gradually deviates from the right path, ultimately determining the direction of the marriage. It’s not all about “sex,” but it’s the root cause of everything.
As Zhang He faces this life, in many relationships, the more you beg for something, the less desire you have. After all, this kind of feeling requires mutual cooperation – a boiling pot can’t maintain its heat if you keep adding cold water, too much rejection will eventually extinguish all willingness.
Tang Jiuqing once said in “Nan Chan”: “So there’s nothing wrong with intimacy in bed, starting from a broad beam allows every step to mean loving you, intense but not light, my timeless debauchery is all for you.”
If you’re walking together, becoming each other’s pillow partner, then you should fulfill the duties of a husband and wife, strive for the marriage, fight for the relationship. There’s no bad life, it depends on whether you want to be happy or not. More understanding and tolerance, more effort to maintain a hard-won stable marriage, that’s true happiness. Marriage is not easy, cherish it!
