Depression has been endlessly destructive to me since my teenage years. From the age of ten, it has been affecting me repeatedly for more than a decade. Initially impacting my schooling, while other children were studying, I was deeply troubled by the physical symptoms of depression. Do you know about the physical manifestation of depression, the physiological kind? Slowly, it started affecting my work, relationships, and marriage, gradually seeping into every aspect of my life.
Often, at these times, I still have to be thankful for it. Thank you, monster, for not making it physical, just making me lack vitality, only depression. Depression is the mildest, thank you for the monster’s mercy.
Yes, even though this endless depression is gnawing at my life, I feel that as long as there are no more severe physical symptoms, it’s not too bad.
It’s just that the days are too long. I wonder when I’ll be okay? When can I live without its shadow like a normal person? Muttering about when I will get better, slowly sinking into deeper despair. Because I can’t see any hope, despite going through domestic and foreign materials, I can’t see any signs of recovery from this physiological depression.
When I’ve invested more vitality than normal to get myself back on track, studying, working, but then the monster comes back again. Overcast days seem to be the monster’s good friend, hand in hand with the monster, it kidnaps me again. Menstruation is also the monster’s ally, dragging me further into a dark hole as a woman. Spring is the monster’s companion, always able to awaken the depression I had managed to drive away. Summer is also the monster’s friend, as summertime deepens my eating disorder.
I look around, realizing that the gloomy weather, seasons, menstruation, they all have connections to depression. It always awakens the monster just when I appear to be adjusting and feeling better. Repeatedly, in an endless cycle.
One day, crying to a loved one, I said, “I can’t go on, let me die”. Why did I say that to him? Because he’s also a patient. Only he can somewhat understand, listening to me incessantly raving. Others can’t understand. Treating me as an alien, not believing I’m sick, spurning me as useless, lazy, melodramatic. When the physical symptoms hit me, I couldn’t walk, fainted, and still couldn’t earn their trust.
I want to die, really want to, it’s my dream.
I don’t want to repeat this cycle, don’t want to be accompanied by medication for the rest of my life. I don’t take medication. Drugs make my brain blank, emotionless, less depressed, but devoid of other feelings, happiness and energy are also absent, more like a robot, just maintaining a normal existence. Medication only helps me exist, not recover. Is this me? Who is this?
I confessed to my husband, saying, I have a strong tendency to suicide, I’m afraid that one day you’ll see my body, I don’t want to burden you, let’s break up. He said, I love you. That’s all he’d say, so annoying. I’m seriously seeking death, truly don’t want to cause them more trouble.
Most desperate of all.
The ties of humanity are never easily severed, unable to seek death, so all that’s left is to weep bitterly for not being able to die easily.
Are these people so bad, unwilling to try to understand the relevant knowledge about depression, completely ignorant of the pain of this illness, yet they say they love you and won’t allow you to die.
They call you lazy, useless, accusing you of weakness, this is the survival of the fittest. Adhering to natural selection, seeking a way out through death, yet they won’t let you die.
I’m too sad. Can’t live healthily, yet can’t die.
Perhaps life has no real meaning, just to exist.
The only change is, I’m braver than before. I openly talk about everything related to depression. I want the world to understand it better, don’t want countless lives to be lost in vain, and one day, my own life wasted. From an age when no one understood it, to now the media often mentioning it, to everyone knowing about it, I see change, though still chaotic, at least it’s in the public eye.
