I was diagnosed with not depression, but passive-aggressive personality disorder accompanied by moderate depressive symptoms and mild obsessive-compulsive disorder, moderate anxiety. My doctor hasn’t seen me for over a year, the problem is not with him. When he faces me, he communicates very cautiously with me, always expressing an attitude, “It’s okay, you’re just sick.” I no longer want to see a doctor because of another doctor (in the same department as my doctor). When I was helping a friend with medication, I couldn’t help but expose my depressive emotions in front of him. He treated me like garbage, kicked me out as if sweeping away rubbish, and scolded me harshly. At that moment, I realized that people like us, even if not mentally ill, are considered as foreign objects akin to trash in society. So, I never visited a doctor again, and agreed with my family’s opinion, threw away the medication, as I did not want to harm my brain.
I’m very anxious and suppressed. I have always felt since childhood that my anxiety and suppression are not due to myself, but because of the environment surrounding me. The terrifying nature of crowds, the frightening aspect of human nature. Firstly, it’s the family life; my parents often argue over trivial matters, sometimes escalating to physical violence. Afterwards, they often remind me that they did not divorce because of me. I have never cried over this matter. When I was a bit older, I would bluntly retort to them that I am just an excuse for them, without me, they would still bicker, and life would still be unsatisfactory. They confuse me greatly. I still do not understand why two people who supposedly love each other would wish for the other’s death when they stand opposite each other, why they can engage in a physical fight one moment and then be affectionate the next. I don’t know what defines a stable relationship.
Then it’s the school and the society of individuals; I have always been excluded for various peculiar reasons, maybe because I don’t speak much, or perhaps because I speak too much, or maybe because I am an outsider, or one day I did something different from them… From elementary school to junior high, there was violence in school, teachers’ indifference, humiliation due to poor performance (by family, teachers, classmates), high school classmates admitted that I am different, which made them fearful, but I truly do not understand what I did to trigger their disgust and hatred. (No one dared to mess with me in high school because in front of them, I dragged away a classmate who belittled me behind my back; I just asked her to confront me in front of the teacher.) In college, some people intentionally damaged my belongings, some female students attempted to exclude me through various weird actions, but because my roommates were kind, they never joined them in ostracizing me, I was unaware of their attempts until my junior year when they used the same method to exclude another female student; that’s when I realized they had tried to isolate me during freshman year.
I went through my entire adolescence seemingly ignorant and emotionless. Until today, I truly don’t understand why people like us (potentially weak, ugly, awkward, poor, or anything else) who have not harmed anyone and have diligently followed various rules and societal morals must endure such malice while believing in all the warmth and beauty that was provided. I do not wish to become an ugly outlier. I do not want to face the abyss directly, but the abyss is always within me, within everyone.
Is anyone perfect? Anyone at all? The wickedness of humanity! It’s so wicked that, half in jest and half earnestly to my friends, I say, “Being human, I am truly sorry! Yes, I detest being a human. Humans are the most vile, hypocritical, selfish creatures in this world. Over the years, I have been diligently collecting all the warm and beautiful things I discovered; I do not want to become an ugly outlier. I do not wish to gaze into the abyss; yet, this abyss stays with me, with everyone.
Some say I lack compassion, that I am overly demanding of others, even though I have reiterated multiple times that though I lean towards asceticism, believing that reducing desires is the only way to decrease suffering, I do not expect everyone to be like me. I am simply afraid that my desires and greed will bring me misfortune. Ironically, while I escaped the pit dug by my own desires and greed, I cannot detach myself from society, from this group of madmen who revel in conflict with one another. Perhaps in the eyes of others, I am not only foolish but also insane. How can I directly point out the hidden desires within others? How can I stand in front of these grey interests, solely because I feel that it does not adhere to rules?
Humans are truly creatures I cannot fathom. On the one hand, boldly speaking of fairness, justice, kindness, and straightforwardness, while on the other hand, fairness is what others must give me, straightforwardness is what they must provide me, kindness is if you are good to me, it’s the kindest thing. All rules laid out are to control others rather than oneself. It’s truly ridiculous, outrageously so. Why? “Desires are not inherently wrong, are they?
My depression stems from this, not knowing how to interact and communicate with others, not being able to shrewdly judge the ever-changing norms. What kind of person I am, what I do or say does not truly matter; it’s only a temporary preference of the masses. Therefore, I have finally sealed my lips; if I don’t speak, isn’t that enough? If I leave you, wouldn’t that suffice? Justifications? Hahaha? Can it be explained clearly?
I am hypocritical, ignorant, foolish – admitting to this is sufficient.
I do not wish to hate this world, but please tell me, after you have educated me on being upright, kind, and fair, and when I wholeheartedly believe and act this way, should I be hated for being naive and ignorant of the ways of the world? Used, harmed, and then cynically blamed for being too useless in this world, can I still preserve a trace of innocence and kindness?
I want to live too.
Article Source: Zhihu
