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Sections of this article:
01. The more outstanding the parents are, the easier for the children to develop mental and psychological disorders?
02. Due to their career success, they are more likely to make mistakes in family education
03. These parents are likely excessively stubborn, and may even have distorted views?
04. When a child is sick, this is an opportunity for parents to learn self-reflection
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01. The more outstanding the parents are, the easier for the children to develop mental and psychological disorders?
In clinical diagnosis and treatment of mental and psychological disorders, this situation is quite common:
The parents of adolescent patients are successful individuals in society. They are government officials, corporate executives, company bosses, or experts, professors, principals; even if they are not that remarkable, they are teachers, doctors, civil servants, with a bachelor’s or even a master’s degree, they are certainly knowledgeable individuals, part of the outstanding population in society.
If there really exists “excellent genes,” then the children of these parents should be more outstanding than most peers. If children rely on postnatal care, then with parents who are cultured, knowledgeable, resourceful, well-traveled, they should be able to educate their children well.
However, the reality is that many parents who are very outstanding in their careers or education, children have been diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorder, addictive disorders, or even schizophrenia. The so-called “boomerang” effect is evident and very painful.
For example, there are two core initiators of the “Human Genome Project,” one is US Senator Domenici, a political elite, yet his daughter was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Another is Nobel laureate, James Watson, known as the “Father of DNA,” and his son was also diagnosed with schizophrenia.
There is a psychology professor online who mentioned a couple who brought their 14-year-old son to him for counseling, the boy had depression, felt life was meaningless, wanted to commit suicide, and both parents were professors at Fudan University.
Last year there was a widely circulated study online, a survey by Professor Xu Kaiwen of Peking University on the “occupation distribution of parents of students in crisis of suicide,” the results showed that the top 3 were teachers, medical staff, civil servants, especially teachers, which were more than 4 times the second place!
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It is clear that this cannot be explained from the perspective of genetic inheritance or congenital factors; this is not because the children have genetic issues but rather problems with postnatal psychosocial factors of the children.
Of course, some people say that Professor Xu Kaiwen’s survey sample consists of high-achieving students from prestigious schools, so it is certain that their parents include more knowledgeable individuals, this is a “survivor bias,” inherent in the sample.
Some also say that many children from poor families or ordinary households also develop mental and psychological problems, but they may not necessarily be aware or have the economic conditions to seek treatment, so it has not attracted as much attention.
These analyses do have some validity.
However, from the perspective of precision mental psychology, if the parents are personally outstanding but lack self-reflection and awareness, they are indeed prone to adopting incorrect family education practices, even exhibiting abnormal personalities, leading to a multitude of cumulative psychological traumas for their children.
In reality, there are indeed many parents who are perplexed: “I am so outstanding, resilient, and capable of endurance. Starting from the time my child was young, I set an example for my child, how could my child end up with depression?”
Therefore, this phenomenon is actually very common and very worthy of attention. The following will provide some analysis from the perspective of precision mental psychology, hoping to address the doubts of these parents and help enhance your self-awareness. We also hope that parents whose children have not yet shown signs of mental health issues should also remain vigilant.
02. Due to their career success, they are more likely to make mistakes in family education
In fact, parents who excel in academic performance and career success do not necessarily excel in family education. On the contrary, precisely because they excel in academics or career, they are more likely to become arrogant, complacent, and make mistakes in family education.
First, the parents themselves are outstanding, naturally assuming that the children should also be outstanding, setting extremely high expectations for their children.
As the saying goes, “a dragon begets a dragon, a phoenix begets a phoenix, and the son of a mouse can dig a hole,” many parents believe that since they performed well academically in the past and have achieved success in their career, they can be considered as “dragons and phoenixes among people,” thereby assuming that “my child will naturally excel too.”
Moreover, after years of hard work, creating a better living condition and educational environment, the children, who stand on the shoulders of their parents, are expected to do even better. This is akin to their children not being born yet, and the parents have already decided that their children must excel.
Some parents, although already successful, have not achieved their goals from their youth, and still have regrets. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, they place their hopes on their children, expecting their children to fulfill their unfinished dreams.
For whatever reason, these parents have high expectations for their children, even becoming obsessed, believing that excellence must be achieved. This mentality easily transforms into overly severe and crude family education methods, excessively pursuing their children’s academic performance and accolades.
On one hand, this easily leads to immense psychological pressure for the children. If they do not perform well, they are criticized and scolded by their parents, which can create cumulative psychological trauma.
On the other hand, many children, under intense pressure from their parents, initially demonstrate outstanding performance in various aspects, becoming the “model child” in the eyes of others and satisfying their parents. However, these children easily receive excessive praise from those around them, lack proper guidance from their parents, and may become arrogant, complacent, laying the groundwork for potential manic or manic episodes.
Furthermore, these children lack the correct study goals; they excessively value their own achievements and external evaluations. Their emotional intelligence is relatively weak, rationality, and once their performance falls, they fail to meet their goals, they easily become anxious, self-doubting, or even emotionally unstable, causing them to develop mental and psychological disorders.
Secondly, although the parents are outstanding, they have not conducted a rational and scientific analysis of their successful experiences, unable to grasp the true principles behind successful growth, nor do they realize the enormous changes brought on by the times. In other words, they are prone to using erroneous “experience summaries” to educate their children.
A person’s success is influenced by many factors, known as the right timing, location, and people, besides individual effort and family factors, there are objective conditions and the era’s background, among others. However, many parents who are personally excellent tend to focus more on the former and overlook the objective environment and era background of their own growth, consequently arriving at erroneous conclusions regarding family education.
An adolescent patient named Xiaoxuan, diagnosed with depression, her father made a very typical mistake that left a deep impression on me.
Xiaoxuan’s father was born in the 1970s; he had several siblings. Their parents were very strict in educating their children, and whenever a mistake was made, or if they were not diligent in their studies, out came the stick for punishment.
As a child, he did not understand why his parents were so harsh, thinking they were too severe. However, as he grew older, he felt grateful to his parents because he and his siblings had achieved good results in their respective careers, living a good life. He believed that it was his parents’ strict education that led them to success, that “a child needs a beating to grow up.”
After having a daughter, he was determined to also use strict family education to raise his daughter to be a polite and cultured young lady, believing this was for her good.
From a young age, he taught his daughter to read and recite Tang poems; whenever his daughter made a mistake or did not meet expectations, he would discipline her with a rolled-up newspaper or intimidate her harshly. He thought this would not physically harm his daughter but would help her remember, questioning what the problem was?
However, although Xiaoxuan was not physically injured, the extremely strict demand and constant scolding from her father caused her significant cumulative psychological trauma, this was one of the root causes of her later depression. Xiaoxuan once hated her father to the point of grinding her teeth; she even developed a resistance towards men, stating that she would never marry in the future.
Xiaoxuan’s father is a typical example who learned from incorrect experiences.
In his growing-up era, parents punishing children was a common occurrence, and “filial sons are raised under the rod.” Though children during that time felt pain and discomfort from the physical punishment and developed psychological trauma, when they saw their peers being similarly punished by their parents for similar reasons, they easily rationalized the “rod of education,” turning the psychological trauma into a “obsession” or paranoia in family education.
Initially, they were fearful of their parents’ punishment, driven by this external force to study hard and respect discipline. Once they began achieving academic success, receiving praise, and saw that academic performance could change their fate, they developed internal motivation to excel, ultimately succeeding.
Nevertheless, nowadays, the times have changed significantly. An increasing number of parents understand the importance of not overemphasizing academic performance but focusing on their children’s mental and physical health, guiding them positively and avoiding harsh criticism or punishment.
Moreover, many children born into economically stable families, cocooned from birth, lead a materially rich life, are less affected by the concept of “study changes fate.” They find it difficult to derive motivation from this concept, instead, they prioritize spiritual pursuits, achieving personal value, and gaining respect from others.
Under these circumstances, if parents continue to scold their children excessively, unduly focus on academic performance, and the children compare their parents with others’, they are easily disappointed, feeling wronged and angry, leading to significant cumulative psychological trauma.
Many parents have yet to realize that many things have changed with time. If parents fail to keep up with the times, keep imposing their past experiences on their children, not only failing to support their children, but potentially causing them to suffer more cumulative psychological trauma events.
For instance, during the parents’ growing years, there was a huge gap between China and developed Western countries; thus, many parents had a profound admiration for Western developed countries, even a blind infatuation. After accumulating enough wealth, they sent their children abroad to study, hoping they would settle and live there.
However, this viewpoint might just be the parents’ outdated cognition or wishful thinking. These children, born in an era of rapid economic development in our country, are filled with a strong sense of national pride. Once they venture overseas, they may realize that life abroad is not as wonderful as imagined, and they observe numerous social problems. They may prefer returning to their homeland; if parents are strongly opposed, this could lead to intense conflicts between parents and children.
Some children are influenced by LGBTQ+ culture, believing they are homosexual, or identifying themselves as non-marital or child-free, viewing it as their freedom. However, many parents with traditional beliefs cannot accept or understand this, failing to keep up with the times, resulting in severe parent-child conflicts.
All these factors increase the risk of children developing mental and psychological disorders.
03. These parents are likely excessively stubborn, and may even have distorted views?
Thirdly, these parents, who have excelled since childhood, being excessively praised, even flattered, without positive guidance from those around them. This could make them become self-righteous, develop a certain degree of paranoid personality disturbance, lacking the awareness and ability for self-reflection.
This situation is more common among fathers, as they become increasingly excellent in their careers, gradually becoming arrogant, likely considering themselves excellent in other aspects, thereby assuming that their family education methods are definitely flawless.
Moreover, due to their work requirements, he often drinks outside, coming home drunk, and sometimes invites friends home for drinks, leading to a chaotic family environment frequently conflicting with his wife.
Yet, Xiaoxuan’s father did not see any problem with this, he would say, “This is all for work,” “Men love to drink, isn’t this normal?” Furthermore, based on his upbringing, he believed that the family roles should be a man’s work and a woman’s homemaker, thereby entrusting the children to his wife and mother, concentrating solely on earning to support the family.
Continuous, over the years of these behaviors by Xiaoxuan’s father, led to significant cumulative psychological trauma for his son. On one hand, the son resented the father and detested his drunkard behavior; on the other hand, the son was worried about his father’s drinking harming his health, which could lead to the family losing its economic pillar, thus easily inducing anxiety, fear, and a sense of insecurity.
Later, Xiaoxuan was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and Xiaoxuan’s mother insisted on the child receiving clinical personalized psychological intervention to repair pathological memories.
When we delved into Xiaoxuan’s implicit memory layers, we discovered that Xiaoxuan’s father had caused her son significant psychological harm! Upon learning this, Xiaoxuan’s father was extremely shocked, deeply moved, only then realizing that his drinking and absenteeism had caused significant negative effects on his child.
He decided to quit drinking and learn how to be a caring husband and father. Both Xiaoxuan and her mother were pleasantly surprised. Finally, Xiaoxuan truly recovered, the entire family also became warmer, experiencing significant cognitive improvements in both parents.
Of course, for parents who have excelled in their careers, breaking their cognitive boundaries, acknowledging their shortcomings and mistakes, engaging in self-reflection, is indeed not easy.
We hope these parents muster the courage, applying the same dedication and positive attitude from their careers and studies to take action, initiate change, and embark on “self-family therapy.” To a considerable extent, the swifter and better recovery of their child largely hinges on them.
Only when children achieve true mental and physical health, possess correct values, can the foundation laid by excellent parents assist their children, empowering them to realize greater personal value, surpassing the achievements of their predecessors!
04. When a child is sick, this is an opportunity for parents to learn self-reflection
People often say “wealth does not exceed three generations,” as if it has become a law or curse. Some parents feel outstanding themselves, yet their children have issues, thinking it’s perhaps everyone’s different fate, predestined.
Some parents may have committed some morally wrong deeds, then when their children have problems, they might think this is “karma,” bearing the consequences of their own evil actions in their children.
However, these understandings, like “blaming genetic inheritance,” are irrational, provide no help in improving the child’s condition. The real root of the problem lies in the parents’ family education.
In social psychology, there is a “boomerang effect,” where an individual ardently hopes to achieve a goal, only to end up with completely opposite results; it’s akin to exerting more force outward with a boomerang, only for the boomerang to strike back harder.
Parents strive continuously and arduously to lead a good life, hoping to provide a good life for their children, investing in blind success in education, pouring significant financial resources; all of this is understandable.
Yet, if parents fail to grasp scientific family education methods, it can easily lead to the “boomerang effect,” where the harder parents try, the more likely children are to have problems, eventually resulting in the boomerang striking back at the parents, causing immense pain.
However, seen from a positive perspective, this may not be entirely bad. Only when a child develops mental and psychological disorders, parents exhaust all resources seeking treatment yet find no cure, ultimately being compelled to start self-reflection, change, and self-improvement, reflecting on their errors in family education.
In essence, when a child falls ill, the family is affected, this is an opportunity for parents to embark on self-reflection.
For instance, Wei Tao’s father, a successful career individual and a unit leader, exhibited a self-righteous form of paranoid personality disorder. Due to work requirements, he often went outside to drink, returned home inebriated, and sometimes invited friends for drinks, making their family environment chaotic, frequently clashing with his wife.
But Wei Tao’s father did not see any fault in this, “It’s for work,” “Men like to drink, isn’t this normal?” Besides, due to his own growth experiences, he believed in clear family roles—men being the breadwinners, women attending to the household, leaving the children in the care of his wife and mother, as he assumed responsibility for earning and supporting the family.
Wei Tao’s father’s persistence in these behaviors over the years led to significant cumulative psychological trauma for his son. Wei Tao both harbored resentment towards his father for his drunken behavior and feared that his father’s drinking could call their family’s financial pillar into question, leading to anxiety, fear, and a lack of security.
After being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Wei Tao’s mother insisted on the child receiving clinical personalized psychological intervention to repair pathological memories.
It was revealed that Wei Tao’s father had severely emotionally impacted his son through his continuous behaviors. This realization struck Wei Tao’s father deeply, prompting him to quit drinking, become a caring husband and father. The significant cognitive improvements in both parents came as a surprise to Wei Tao and his mother. In the end, Wei Tao achieved true recovery, and the entire family became warmer, experiencing what could be described as a blessing in disguise.
Even though it’s challenging for exceptional parents to break their cognitive boundaries, acknowledge their shortcomings, errors, and engage in self-reflection, we hope these parents muster the courage, use the same dedication and positive attitude from their careers and studies to take action, initiate change, adopt a “self-family therapy” approach, and uplift their children.
Only by achieving genuine mental and physical health, adhering to the correct values will the
